A Spider Story, Or The Revenge Of The Underdog

I'm gonna tell ya a story abridged and adapted from Neil Gaiman's American Gods..about the little trickster spider god Anansi, or Compe Anansi as they call him..i hope Mr Gaiman won't sue me for copyright infringement for re-telling his little story (he shouldn't if he's a good self respecting post-modernist who's skeptical of human efforts to control the world through such ridiculous nonsense as copyrighting)..so here goes..

One day Mr Spider, who is small and weak and not very imposing, decides to have a bath in the River. (now this is a Jungian archetype of all rivers thats why i'm calling it, or rather her, River) Now in those days when the world was young and the gods still lived amongst men in the physical world (wait a minute, did they ever stop living amongst us?), during those days, Crocodile, well, she lived in the River, waiting silently for unheeding passersby to drink or swim or bathe in the River. And so, she would wait, still as a log, floating on the surface, watching, watching...and Mr Spider knew this. And being Mr Spider, he decided to play it shrewd. Now wat was the most important part of a person that one could absolutely not lose to Crocodile, he thought..That i shall leave on the shore with my spider spindle and spider sense and spider bite...and of course, what should it be but Mr Spider's balls..yes thats right, dun wanna have ugly old Crocodile biting off and stealling my balls..

so he leaves his balls on the River bank with his Spider Spindle, Spider Sense and Spider Bite..and he has a bath..but lo, today is his lucky day and Crocodile is nowhere to be found..and so, after an age of bathing (i exaggerate, or do i?), Mr Spider comes out of the water all refreshed and ready to go his way..now it is the supreme state of affairs in this world that when a man escapes one misfortune he falls immediately into another..so it happens that upon collecting his possessions, Mr Spider is met immediately (and not too happily) by Tiger (yes, another Jungian Archetype..are u not sick of them by now) who growls and threatens Mr Spider to tell him where he has just come from and what he has just done and why he is looking so refreshed and happy...or else!! So Mr Spider tells Tiger very shrewdly about his bath in the River and how he had the fortune of not meeting Crocodile today, and if, Tiger should decide to have a bath as well, he was sure Crocodile would not turn up also..besides, he was Tiger and if small, weak, unimposing Mr Spider could get away with bathing in the River, why should Tiger be afraid even if he did meet Crocodile..he was Tiger the fierce, the bloodthirsty, the powerful..was he not? But alas, if he should meet Crocodile, one should not do battle with her and lose his most precious possessions..so Mr Spider offered to guard Tiger's Balls for him on the River bank and keep them safe.and this of course, was exactly the arrangement Tiger made with Spider.

and of course, while Tiger is bathing, Mr Spider puts on Tiger's Balls and leaves his two tiny, spider balls on the River bank and heads off into Town...but thats not the end of the story..for, you see, on reaching Town, Mr Spider promptly hides Tiger's Balls in a safe place before singing out loud enough for Monkey (who sits nearby waiting for fruits to fall from the grocer's cart) to hear,

Tiger's Balls, Tiger's Balls,
I stole Tiger's Balls,
And there ain't nothing he could do about it,

Yes, I stole Tiger's Balls

and of course, Monkey comes jumping down from a nearby tree wanting to learn the song..and of course, Mr Spider teaches it to him and gives him free reign to sing it all over town and in the jungles...and then Mr Spider goes back to the River bank and waits for Tiger to finish his bath..and when Tiger does come out of the water, he sees Mr Spider and his Tiger Balls missing...and in a great uproar, Tiger pounces on Mr Spider and pins him to the ground..and Mr Spider screams out in fear and agony, pleeeease, Tiger, don't hurt meeee...i tried to keep your Tiger Balls safe, but Monkey, he came swooping down from the trees and stole them right before my eyes...and you know how fast and agile and nimble he is and how small and weak and unimposing i am..how could i stop him...all i can do is offer you my own tiny Spider balls in exchange for what you've lost..jussst don't killll me.." and right that moment, Monkey comes swinging through the trees, singing "Tiger's Balls, Tiger's Balls, I sole Tiger's Balls, and there ain't nothing he could do about it, Yes, i stole Tiger's Balls"..

and Tiger in great fury and anger, puts on Spider's balls, leaps up and starts chasing Monkey noisily through the Jungle.. and Mr Spider smiles...that is why, to this day, Tiger still chases Monkey and if you look between his legs, you will see the 2 smallest balls inside an oversized ball sac...and what about Mr Spider? well, he's still got Tiger's Balls...

Abridged and Adapted from Neil Gaiman's American Gods