Innocence lost?

at 12:53 am in e mornin 1 day b4 sch ends u'd think i'm havin a ball..but further from e truth u could not hope 2 b..assignment rushin is no joy or fun i tell u..e insane side of mi u saw juz now i suppressd a while back with great difficulty..

i alwaez tot life overseas was cool until i came 2 e rat-hole called Newcastle..a rat-hole dats wat it is...n i'm a rat dat got himself down e wrong hole n can't find my way out..man, for all u noe its e labyrinth of Kronoss for mi..

its very dumb la,comin 2 a rural place for a tertiary education..i dun usualli say dis cos e opportunity 2 study abroad is a divine gift oredi..but at 1 am now, how bad it is gets 2 mi real hard..

oh, wat i'd give for a listen 2 class 95, Perfect 10 or even jiu san san..i miss home man..feelin so screwy with work 2 complete still after dis n prcious lil' time 2 sleep..n frankli, i dunno how well i'll do cos tutors alwaez giv mi marks less den dat for local students..

man, i gotta stop indulgin in dis rotten self-pity dat eats mi from within..guess university is anothr case of innocence lost for mi..i oredi hav precious little of dat remainder of childhood as it is..

Evil birds of prey

e insanity-dat-perceives is back n here it is..be warned..dis gets chaotic from here on..

bird flies past e nest n prey birds arise from cukoo's palace..y i hav 2 do bad in life i noe..or mayb i dunno u? a grey wall comes up when i walk on my giant bridge dat spans cities n universes..how 2 see byond..

black mark on head or is it in head of urs..or mine? aeroplane flies thru sea of fish (guppies!)..bad marks drop from wheels of plane n swim b4 explodin like 10 million Tokyos...no, it should b Hiroshima..Nagasaki? no sense..

noe cents? 18 cents change for 36 fishes(guppies!) ..17 dollars for a million? n mr bad bad card cometh..sorry..wat goes wrong here? y can't it b wright? eat e rats carcass..kitty...onli rats left when u fail...hav i failed? schwork? 1 mark short? or mayb it goes swimmingli tomorrow..n i pass..livin in a land under e sun where white is e colour of e rainbow..yeloow is bad...God made yeelow too..but white man think white god is God n yeelow has no cover frm white god in land of white where e rainbow falls..

different n wats-e-othr-word-for-bad...not good enuff..unhappy..unsatisfied..undelighted..unhinged..ANGeR dragon stirs in sleep cavern..i need mi God...

Let mi Gush

truth b told, i've alwaez been an arts sorta guy..esp stuff like writin or drawin abstract rubbish..

i've just discovered dis great work of architecture dats called the Hurva Synagogue in Israel, designed by Louis I Kahn, a Jew of the diaspora..too bad it was never actualli built..it would hav been a counterpoint on the landscape to the Dome of the Rock, which was less than 5 km away..afterall..e original building was demolished by the Jordanian army when it occupied the Jewish Quarter of Jerusalem in 1947..

Its one of 3 buildings i've seen so far dat realli says somethin 2 mi..e other 2 are the Church of Notre-Dame Du Haut in Ronchamp, France by Le Corbusier n e Soviet Pavilion at the 1937 Paris Exhibition by Boris Iofan..

they realli show dat God allows human hands to glorify Him with earthly pastels of concrete, steel and brick..especialli since 2 of these 3 structures were constructed (or were planned) on e site of ruins of e same name..n e 3rd is a reminder dat nations brought low can rise again like e mythical phoenix..I want 2 see God rebuildin e walls that were torn down by men (in Nehemiah) n uncloggin e wells that were the legacy of our forefathers (as with Issac)..i remembr dat line from Lord of the Rings, "Reforged shall be the sword that was broken, the crownless again shall be king"...some of u noe who n wat event i'm hintin at rite?

Muses and Flutes

music alwaez accompanied mi thru e dark periods of my life..throughout my adolescent years, angry music like Green Day, Bon Jovi, Guns and Roses and Linkin Park was an outlet for no small number of angst-ridden issues..

in e army, retro songs like Square Rooms took mi far along my flights of fantasy n dark insanity..oh i forgot 2 mention, soppy love ballads brought mi thru my junior college years..

n as i get older, i return once again 2 my Han Chinese roots with Chinese music of complex harmonies n on-key croonin..the songs of e past dun just leave or fade away..they r filled with memory..sometimes sad, sometimes joyous..n some remain favourites 2 dis day, like e worship of Hillsongs n e praise of e Planetshakers as well as e unforgettable Christian cynisism of Jars of Clay..but undoubtedli, all these thousands of songs (at least as many as i can get my hands on) remain on my I-pod for listenin..

sometimes, its not dat as we get older we adopt different philosophies or tastes..its just dat we see more from different perspectives..n we all need a standpoint for our views n faith dat sythesizes n integrates wat we are at a point in time n space in dis universe..dats called a worldview..

Basics of faith n values will remain thruout each age in our lives..but worldviews change as we relate to pple n events differentli..how can i reach out 2 pple of a certain mindset if i dun understand e way they think n feel? i dun hav 2 be like them, but watever is good, n noble n pure of somebody's thinkin i can relate to easily, n use dat 2 springboard a witness in2 their lives of my faith n ideals..

i've alwaz admired Matteo Ricci who brought e gospel to China (albeit in a Catholic form)..he wore e robes of a Buddhist monk n carried e bible in e external form of an ancient sutra so e Chinese could understand dat dis truth was old yet strangeli familiar to e hearts of men from their most primal instincts..

wats good n true has e tendency 2 point 2 the Almighty..but it must b brought out..how can dat b if my choice of language is outdated n useless for today?

Dili Force

when i started dis blog, i said dat certain parts would b devoted 2 religion n current affairs..e faith part has been addressed sufficientli regular but i've neglected e current affairs portion a bit since comin 2 Australia..

e recent armed intervention of Australian troops in Timor-Leste jolted mi out of my quiet reverie (i checked guys n its not revellie as e semi-educated n semi-idiot SAF CSMs call it; but reverie)..

of course, any country bein called 2 intervene in another's troubles will tend towards a high-n-mighty attitude..we dun hav such problems so we can send troops 2 help u poor losers..n of course pictures of M113s n Australian soldiers carryin Belgian Fabrique Nationale General Purpose Machine Guns n Austrian Steyr-Aug Commando Carbines is great political capital for e John Howard government..we r e great peace-makers n we r e great defenders of civilisation..

havin served in e armed forces before, i say dis not 2 e discredit of the soldiers on e ground doin e hard, hazardous n thankless work, but 2 e shame of their political task-masters who milk them for every ounce of political advantage possible..i applaud those who serve in e brotherhood of soldierin anywhere..but boo the armchair generals n Cabinet of skeletons in power..

i wonder when Singapore will send her troops in..mayb e PECG (Peace-Keepin Engineer Construction Group) for re-construction purposes..or medical teams..milkin soldiers for political capital i despise..but issuin political statements thru e labour n sweat of soldiery is somethin noble..the Timorese n Australians must b told.."where is Singapore? n where is Timor-Leste? Yet y are they here n helpin pple n how do they do it?"

What a sight! RSS Intrepid n Enterprise sailin in2 e harbour of Timor-Leste 1 warm evenin..e Singaporeans hav arrived....

Anti-Rationalism, Revolution n Rebellion

i like the Sandman n associated series of stories by Neil Gaiman bout the realms of the heart, subconsious, soul n spirit..n my favourite character is not Morpheus, Lord of Dreams or even beautiful n mysterious Death, embodiment of ending n conclusions...no, my favourite character is Delirium..with her associated lack of sanity n chaotic mixin of words in complex phrases..like "wats the word for the start of somethin that is not the same as wat was there before and which u dunno wat it is?" Change..

i think dat in life we should not b so rational n logical..its not the Time of the Modern Movement anymore..the age of the machine gods of modernism is past..the age of the post-modern world of religion, spirituality n pluralism is upon humanity..

i may b Christian, but i dun believe Christianity is a by-word for the intellectual worship of the Rational Deity..nor is it the the deification of the primal forces of Revolution and Rebellion..Christianity is so much more..n in the post-modern climate of things, i can say that a Christian follows Christ thru e Bible n worships Him..but the modes of worship need not b purely rational...its time dat Christians return 2 truth n spirituality (in e Bible but) apart from intellectualism n rational logic..

see e wind in e willows? it blows leaves everywhere..i like the leaves dat blow the wind..a great house is being built by the wind...n its name is called The Bible according to Faith n with less wats-that-thing-dat-feels-like-sponge-in-my-head?oh Brains.......

The Christian message has been harmed so greatly by liberal, rational theology that doubts God's power..now with e Post-modern Movement, those who believe hav found a force as powerful 2 strike back..unleash e winds of change..

X marks e Spot

sometimes we all need to reach out into our surroundins n explore..we need to form a new synthesis of our internal being (thoughts and feelins) n our external surroundings..dis is e essence of Metabolism in architecture..n a good philosophy for life..

i reached out into mi surroundins yesterday nite...went with some archi classmates (locals n international students) 2 catch my first movie in Australia..X-Men 3:Last Stand..its like a theatre at Golden Village back home..same large viewin theatres(8 in all) with e same pop-corn n coke combos..except they also offer nuggets n french fries meals for eatin in e cinema..n e same video games arcade next 2 e theatre where e latest versions of House of the Dead n Daytona can b found..

of course, its a single storey sprawlin complex instead of a multi-storey vertically sprawlin complex..e movie was ok wth unexpected outcomes n more main charcters bein killed off than would hav been imagined..suits e title Last Stand realli...n a few insignificant, sideline creatures comin in who were realli of no consequence to e movie..

n of course, e ang mohs behind were up 2 their loud laughin n commentary tricks as usual which was quite iritatin at times..but its been said that e company one watches a movie with makes all e difference between a great n a mediocre movie..n with e crowd i was with, it was agreat experience..i got 2 noe dat first year afgan classmate of mine betta..n found out he was actualli an Iranian Parsi..n my fren Dimitri, Russian national who's goin back to Russia in June n who speaks excellent Russian (Shaun will love him) n Japanese..

well, i'll definiteli want 2 go out with these guys again..plus e other Local Aussie frens like Leon n Gary who organised e trip to e movies in e 1st place..i think i understand e meanin of e term Fellow Travellers now..which reminds mi..i gotta check e library for a copy of John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress after dis..God bless guys..

Big Lizards n Assignments

e wonderful thing about workin in e architecture studio is meetin all these frens n great pple who are nice n frenli..not all..but not a few either..

i had dis interestin conversation with some indian frens who were talkin bout e problems with their fiancees (by arrangement) in India n e arrogance of some of the members of the Indian community in Newcastle Australia..like shoutin rascist remarks at white Australians durin cricket matches when they loose..while confusin the Moghuls of India with Mongolians n completely re-writin history..

oh n did i mention wat they told mi bout watchin Jurassic Park n Mission Impossible in Hindi? "hey, look, the Big Lizards are walkin" n Tom Cruise speakin in Hindi but no sound is heard when one can lip-read him sayin ,"F**k" on screen..lost in translation? my international frens man..gotta love em..

oh n, my fren also says dat she was told by a fortune-teller dat her soul-mate is apparently, a black n white caterpillar with traces of orange..so she's not gettin married in dis life time cos she's waitin for him 2 b born human...hmmmmmmm..ok, i hope its worth e wait sista..

ah well, where work is concerned, submission of dat 1st design project hav gone alrite i guess..but i dun intend 2 follow e Modern Movement so much anymore..v borin with all dat rational square n rectangle bullsh*t..i'm increasinly interested in e work of Otto Wagner n e neo-clasical movement..as well as e Metabolists like Tandao Ando n Toyo Ito..oh no, i better not continue my monologue when every1's lost..

God, i've been up tryin to figure wat 2 say durin dat critique presentation tm which i dun believe is Asian-frenli..i walked e ground (metaphorically n literalli) just now at 3am but am still unsure of wat to expect..well, i'll just hav to pray dat it all goes fine n accordin to e plan of e Almighty..n now, to sleep..see u later..

lessons n people

i learned 2 things today(actualli there were at least 15 but these r e most significant)..Afghan sounds a whole lot like Hebrew..n the word 'line-weightin' refers to the thickness of the line drawn with pencil or ink..n has nothin to do with how heavy ur pencil, pen ink is...or how heavy ur hand presses down on the paper with any of those media...or how bluidy hard or dark ur pencil/ink is..a revolution-izin revelation i call it...

n how in e name of our Lord n Saviour, this 19th day of May in e 2006th year of the same Lord's comin did i learn of this? well, i was havin dis break from mi draftin (out of frustration more than laziness) at e studio..n when breaks come, i head upstairs to dat nifty lil' pantry to hav some toasted muffins (muffins not bread mind) when i saw dat e cute white Black n Decker toaster was occupied with 2 pieces of toast dat had oredi popped up on e machine..so i turned roun 2 see whose it was..n saw dis most amazingly beautifu lady sittin at e table havin Greek Humus..

so i says,''dis urs?" "yes, thank you very much.i'd clean forgotten bout it" says e lady..n dat was how i got 2 noe my 2nd year senior, Unai Najabullah of Afghanistan..u noe wat exotic Turkish or Lebanese models look like? dats e idea...a guy would kiss e ground she walked on n praise Al..God for creatin Eve in e flesh again..i'm not affected..she was talkin 2 a classmate of mine who's also afghan (i never knew)..n i realised that Afghan sounds extremely like Hebrew..deep, nasal, liltin n like water trickling off rock..

anyway, her story was more interestin den her (oredi extremely flatterin) figure.. she'd wanted 2 be an architect from e earlist years of her character formation..n had come thru lots to get to Australia (three quarters-way roun e world)..passion for great architecture n design drives her along..1 of those ladies we guys would want to be seen talkin 2 in a bar..cos she can hold an intellectual conversation on esoteric subjects like art history yet looks like the winged Nike of Samothrace (dats Greek to mi too)..

wat i'm tryin to say is simpli dis..another dae..another interestin person 2 meet..another lesson learned..n another reminder dat the Power Dat Is does do miracles n create magic even thru human beings..flawed as it is..i'm encouraged to develop in wat i'm doin..studywise dat is.....

A Time of Tyrants

goin for my 1st architecture mock-up Critique session (Crit in short) was a cruel experience..when we present designs, we do so b4 a panel of tutors n seniors n dat is e time when the great architecture design students who r too big for their boots are cut down to size..

i had a rude shock when the evidentli encouragin n amiable tutor was transformed into a fearsome fire-breathin demon who devours unprepared students..well, he says, "u've not answered the client's specifications in the design brief..n ur design is too large...oh...u need to explain ur open courtyard (graphically; huh??)..n rethink ur spaces cos they're not goin to fit in a rescaled version of ur design..too many entrances n poor distinguishin of lines with different pencils..not enough drawings for dis n dat..poorly tot-out design..no evidence of good development..u're doin ur own thing n not doin wat the client wants..he'll fire u in e real world"

dat was an encouragin 8 mins of criticism dat completeli tore down wateva notions of greatness i had nursed with my fragile male ego..i suddenly felt like e scum of the Earth just wantin 2 bury my head underground like e proverbial ostrich..

its not dat i've not undergone worse at e hands of e s'pore armed forces..but i just felt once more e whole arbitrariness of it n e lack of constructiveness in dis supposedli "constructive criticism"...but well, i guess i noe wat to expect next week for e real thing..

in e book The Butlerian Jihad by Brian Herbert n Kevin J Anderson, the main characters Vorian Atreides n Serina Butler dream of freedom from e reign of tyrant leaders n empowerin of free humanity..well i dream also of great things in architecture n puttin 'magic' into e lives of pple thru e buildins i create..if i could just create a room where pple display (only) flowers inside yet make e day of e smallest child walkin in when he sees e light shining off e flowers in a vacant space that brings out e most of their frail beauty, i would die content for havin created great architecture.. i dream dis even as i live in dis time of Tyrant Tutors..

Confessions

Confession is good for the soul they say..if so i must confess certain issues in newcastle to u my frens..

some of u guys noe dat i did a little smokin in e army..cos it looked cool (at 18 anything looks cool; God!), cos i was under great stress (try detonating 20 kilos of live explosives 27 times) n cos i was at a very dark n rebellious stage of my life..

i stopped after e army but over here in newcastle i did start again..up to 5 sticks a week..durin my assignment period..i understand e evil of it all n how it destroys e body..which is "temple of the divine"..i made e resolution to stop 2 weeks ago..n hav been strugglin 2 keep it..

its not been total failure n mostli i do keep away from dat which destroys e body...but cravins do come in..mayb its withdrawal..i noe dat its extremeli stupid 2 start lightin up when dark storms gather in ma head..n God, its difficult..but i am prayin bout it continualli n seekin to die to dis nasty habit every day..

i understand Paul talkin bout daily death to self n its carnal desires..sin n temptation come into e picture of life so often n only the mercy of God can grant us e strength to turn away from dat which destroys..everyday i pray for strength n ask for e grace to say no without self-pity..

i'm not perfect; i'm just a human bein like any1 else; with dark tots n feelins..i need God's grace n mercy today..even as i struggle..so..my perfect n beautiful frens..am i, dressed in my ugly n tattered attempts to live a conscienable life before the Almighty n miself..deservin of ur graces?

where strength fails,will i fall into e hands beneathe for rest??

horse ridin

been doin some horse ridin these past 2 weekends.. down halfway between sydney and newcastle at dis place called glenworth...also some archery which i was never serious about in secondary sch n jc..now i guess its come full circle n i'm doin wat i was not realli interested in back then..

its been great to get my mind off schoolwork n complications in life which i try to walk away from..well, i seem to b lovin wat i'm doin..whether architecture n design or horse-ridin..so realli..i dun want complications in life anymore..

horse riding is 1 of those things dat a guy has 2 acquire experience to b good at..my 2 lessons so far hav only brought mi 2 e stage where i can trot n even then not comfortabli..unlike e movies, 1 has to stand n sit in the saddle as the horse trots on..in tune with e see-saw movement of the horse's rear end..otherwise..u get a real pain in der ass, of the muscular ache nature..

e regular horse i ride is Jam n sometimes he realli gets mi into fixes..like almost crushin my leg against the fence n alwys fightin e reins n my leadin..but he's quiet n frenly at least..when i first saw horses runnin out the stockade n uphill towards the paddocks where they rest for the nite (after my lesson) i realised wat freedom from servitude is..n why many artists love to paint free-runnin horses..its a liberatin scene..

well, soon i'll b a-comin home to s'pore n den i'll realli feel like a free-runnin horse..liberated..i won't come home with excess baggage (of e emotional kind) n travellin light can b so good feelin man i tell u..but now..i'll hav to concentrate on those architecture design projects..n construction technology, n ecology..n communications..so den..see ya guys soon

Why I love Bible Study Groups

I enjoy my Bible Study groups for e wide ranging scriptural lessons and the christian fellowship..but also because they help mi take things in perspective n take life with a pinch of salt..

u noe,i've 2 bible study groups..1 from church n 1 from the campus christian group FOCUS..different pple with different experiences form them n they teach mi so much of life n God..

my church 1 is more topical n deals with issues like temptation n faith..while e FOCUS 1 is more text-based..like we're doing Titus now..so its e best of both worlds for mi, so to speak...

n e frens i've made realli realli touch mi n never fail to teach mi stuff in my course of life..like Jenu who's been tellin us bout his struggle to gain Australian PR-ship inspite of havin a good degree..his sheer grit n determination inspires mi 2 see e value of hard work..incidentally both a traditional Asian n a Christian ethic..

guys like Junior whom i've mentioned b4, hav taught mi bout living..even thru his painful experience of havin a relative pass away while he's overseas..n Jeanette's birthday 2nite just moves mi to believe n understand dat mayb e Almighty does hav somethin good for each of us after all.. how so? seein a 75 year old lady celebrate 75 years of life with her loving husband in a 'state of grace' as Frank MacCourt states in 'Tis is a reminder dat there realli is somethin good to fight for in dis life dat truli means something..more den money n status n power..

n on e heels of dis comes Jena's b'dae tml..a 20 year old slip' o lass from Botswana..teaches mi bout hope n hunger..something some o' my (so-called) frens back home will never noe cos they never had a single God-damn mudder-f***in day o' bluid-y hardship in their f***ed up lives..arse-ho**s..but i over-step miself..


Bible study groups teach mi so much more den e Bible..their membrs help mi take mi life in perspectiv n not overate mi capabilities n under-rate dat of the divine..oh n, forget e dickheads in life..try not 2 be one urself..

Pictures

Eye of God

Dead Man's Drop

Balrog of Moria

Saying Wat u Mean?

I'm going to try an experiment here dat ties in with architecture, sociology and my interest in popular psychology..n i need e ladies to help mi out (e guys also, but deffinitely e ladies)

dis will probabli b a long-runnin thing dat stretches 50 plus years..haha..anywaez, answer this question..do women say what they mean? do men or women seem more susceptible to not-saying wat they mean? and, if there is a gender difference in dis, is it more or less pronounced in Christians (ok, i'll extend dis to pple of a moderate religious nature who believe in the divine and believe dat telling the truth is a good spiritual principle to live by)

man, it has been my personal intuitive suspicion for some time dat women do not say wat they mean many times...or rather, say wat they do not mean..of course i must qualify myself by sayin dis is prevalent(n predictable)only under certain circumstances..and dat men also do not say wat we mean..under a different set of circumstances..

dis is especially so where inter-personal relationships and frenships are concerned..not just romance but where a personal dimension is involved that means something to this hypothethical female person.. i noe i'm talkin rot (rather, writing it) but is there an element of truth in dis (no matter how small)?

but then, how do pple (males n females included) tell whether females are telling e truth? more importantli, how might we discern wat e lady realli thinks? dat, frenz..is e billion dollar question Mel Gibson found out in What Women Really Want..e only thing i can say is dat observation and intuition are skills gained n honed by experience..the greatest ally a guy has in dealin with e female species (besides God, who prefers to keep His own confidence in these matters) is observation n reflection..dat is equal to any female intuition..onli slower cos we r more logical..

y am i sayin all dis? its just a tot i want to get off my chest..with no relation to any characters, fictional or otherwise..but do mi e favour of chewin on dis guys, n remember e possibility of ur lady not talkin straight to ya in life..n learn to see wat is realli meant when she asks, "Am i Fat?" Cheers..