This or that

i'm wondering aloud (here) for a moment..shd i return to being cold, aloof and distant, untouchable n untouched by the people aroun mi, because i somehow feel my presence is an uninvited irritation and interruption to them? or shd i keep trying to be more involved and engaged with the people aroun mi inspite of my inner sense of being left out n excluded more often than not?

i wondr if the potential to be hurt n disappointed will be less if i do the former...quite possibly..but den again, like the Modern movement, life would be so dreadfully boring without some of that (post-modern) drama..hmmmm..a tough choice to make n one that i shall probably hav to conduct a greater study of...

i could just go back to my shell of being the dark one who speaks not unless spoken to..but i never liked that fellow as well...he was cold as liquid hydrogen n i like to be warm n friendly...he was a reaction to certain groups that made mi uncomfortable to be aroun, but i din like such a reaction..but i would be free of all that crappy human behaviour that can get us down all the time..free of changeable human nature that changes faster than my socks...free of that human criticism that always gets under my skin..so tempting.......

for now, i shall continue engagement and rapport-building with human beings...but my judgement is still reserved...i shall have to calculate the costs of human involvement sometime in the near future...