Reminices n Confessions

they say confession is good for e soul..as i'm thinkin of home while carryin out my assignments iwonder where many of my best moments of life went n e mistakes i made..n of e kind of guy i am dat causes so much difficulty in my life (to myself onli; hopefulli not to others)..

its betta now no matter how stressed i am than when i was in e army..Shian, Shamir, Varun, Kumu , Eugene n e rest o' e bros i noe will tell u how much blackness n darkness of soul there is there..esp in e combat unit i was in..i finalli made my peace with God dat nite in Shoalwater Bay over in Queensland as i gazed at e constellations..Southern Cross n other southern hemisphere stars i did not recognise..i knew in dat hour how small man is n how temporal compared to an eternal God..i saw dat e stars represented everything good n pure n noble even in e darkest nite sky..for all e wrongs (perceived n actual) done mi n e evil i've seen..e stars shine no less brilliantly up there..when faith in everything true n gd n pure dies, hope remains..

as usual, i'm talkin some mumbo-jumbo no1 can quite understand at dis time of mornin..i deviate.."of regrets there r many; n i hav my fair share" (Serena Butler, in Brian Herbert's Legends of Dune:The Butlerian Jihad)..i wished i had not gotten into dat stupid relationship back when i was repeatin my a's..we did everything a couple did but never formalised it..n God, e breakup..dats a revelation 2 some of u guys..its been v private b4 dis..

when u're 18, u think u noe stuff but den u realise at 21 (n forever after) dat u didn't..i was a fool..n i paid for my folly then..i'm e kinda guy who tends towards possessive behaviour naturally..n i hav 2 keep safeguards n checks against dat constantli..n i can b sensitive many times..i became much more a hard-charger when i entered e army..n mani times i just want 2 rush into things..whether relationshps or otherwise..n dat too i've had to learn to constantli monitor n keep in check..

oh well, deep down i guess i've alwaez been dat stupid little SAS boy who never gets anythin good cos he's either 2 hesitant or 2 forward n aggressive..just a lot darker, more sinister n more driven by those dark forces..i alwaez wondered how much pple understood mi deeply..n i'm forced to conclude not many..mayb i'm just homesick at 1 am local time but i wish dat i had betta frens over here who were not just hi-n-bye type..i mean its not e loneliest i've evr felt la (dat was when i played my bass guitar,Fiery Fiona, at St Francis' Religious Emphasis Week; onstage with no-one i knew well at all..) but still..its a mighty F**k up C**e B*e situation lor..can't break into or fit into many cliques over here..dats mayb 1 reason i joined SSA..to hav an outlet for my energies dat allowed mi to engage with as many pple as possibl..but dats a different story..

its stupid la, but sometimes here i just wish i had some1 special 2 care for n be cared for by..but i guess God's e only real option..g'mornin anywae