On the Agin of A Guy (or how i noe i'm old)

Boobs sag n skin wrinkles..but how do i noe i'm truly beginnin e downward slide to old age? In a flash, i'm less than 2 months from my 22nd birthdae..onli now do i realise dat when i turned 21, i also stopped growin verticalli, physicalli n sexualli...i've begun a long slow slide to bein senile dat will pick up when i'm 30 n sprint when i'm 40..rite now i'm just agin at baby crawl pace..

why e bloody hell am i entertainin such morbid tots? because of a show on TV...wat most pple dun noe bout mi is dat i grew up watchin Chinese serials, not ang mo, English dramas..n when they showed e latest version of (sorry Kumu n my jia-kantang frens) She Diao Ying Siong Zuan (translated as Legend of e Condor Archers) on Ch 8, filmed with China Chinese actors..i realised dat i'm gettin old...i could tell my frens who've not watched it before wat the next scene was n wat had transpired till this point in time in de story...n F(expletive deleted)! i realise dat i hav seen e original 1980s first production of the serial..with Liu De Hua as Guo Jing n Barbara Yong as Huang Rong...back den Mei Chao Feng was dog-damn-ugly, not lao-chio like e current Chinese actress playin her role..

I've seen all e versions of dat show now and can say dat e Singaporean version is DER MOST PAtHETiC n WooDEn!! i've seen e sequel, Sheng Diao Xia Niu (Legend of the Condor Heroes) n other similar era shows like Tian Long Ba Bu (Sky Dragon Eight Steps? sorry, i singapore education system never teach mi translation one) n Yi Tian Tu Long Ji (or Annals of the Sky Sword n Dragon Sabre)..n now they want to show Shui Hu Zhuan (Water Margin)..i read dat book when i was in pri 6..before my command of Chinese failed in my years with der SA...it was my goal after my PSLE to read Hong Lou Meng (A Dream of Red Mansions) before i left primary sch..i failed..Thank God..


wat's e moral of e story? not dun read too many Chinese books..but its dat things change n wat was once new will one day become a memory..like F4 n Westlife now are (hallelujah)..n where Britney Spears will go (praise the Lord)..hmmm, where will dat stupid song "kan dao zhang lang, wo bu pa, bu pa le...ma li ah-hi" be next year? with e Titanic soundtrack?

In "The Five People u meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom, Marguerite tells Eddie dat e improvements to e amusement park make it sound like "somebody else's summer"..e sad truth is dat, increasingly, as we all age, e young inevitably take over n it becomes somebody else's playground...i can onli hope dat by constantly adaptin n movin, i can retain my place in it...wat plans hav you?

Connection or A Guys' Take On Female Sexuality

I hav been emboldened of late to write a little more bout female issues from a guys' perspective cos i realise dat i hav a few female frens readin this blog who've given mi comments on wat i written bout female issues..its been refreshin seein things from their perspective so i guess if i wanna noe wat they think, i should write more bout such issues on dis blog...strange psychology huh?

My fren Kumu (of NWO fame; its like a political club) was e one who wanted to noe my opinions on dis interestin case..e background was dis discussion he was havin in the gender studies class he's takin at NUS FASS..he kept wonderin why women hav a higher tendency than guys to hav had a non-single-sex phase in their lives..dat is..were part of homo-sexual or bi-sexual relationships..

well, i was too tired at Dom's birthdae to tell him my views in detail but i promised to devote a blog space to dis so here goes nuttin...gals like each other cos they're gentler physicalli...gals like each other cos they're more emotional..so onli a gal can emotionalli connect with another gal in a way dat a guy who's by nature more rational n emotionalli awkward cannot..

but is it so simple? there r 3 categories here we hav to understand...1) e female who wants to take on e role of e guy..aka e butch, 2) e female who connects emotionalli n sexualli with someone exactli like her in emotion..aka e pure lesbian and 3) e female who is keen to experiment sexualli with guys first, then females next (esp if heart-broken by a cad)..aka e broken bi-sexual..

so how? its not so straight-forward..from my autopsies (just kiddin) i find dat such gals dun need anythin..at least dats wat they like to think...dey onli want a small world centred aroun their relationship..its like some sort of shelter they run to..mayb it has to do with wat women want in a relationship..security n fulfillment..which they find best in a relationship with someone who has e same outlook..(guys look for adoration n admiration..we need someones who needs us..male ego)

wateva it is, for most its a passin phase (but not for all)...like a sort of graduatin class in sexuality they must take to be in full control of their emotions n sex drive...den they can say, its nothin..been there n done dat..now i look for somethin more..if somethin more means (from my viewpoint) facin up to e differences between guys n gals n learnin to adapt n deal with differences because thats part of bein human..den congratulations...perhaps e lesson has served its purpose..but all things considered..i'm just a guy, wat do i noe, rite Cherl?

On the Do-good Reporting of the Local Media

this is old news by now but its been buggin mi for some time..it seems to mi dat the local media in Singapore can be incongruous n fantasticalli optimistic mani times..especialli when it comes to fawnin over all-things n issues government..they realli set new standards of balls-lickin n apple-polishin

a few weeks ago, i read this report in e Straits Times dat a recent survey conducted by some government department showed dat 6 in 10 Singaporeans felt secure in Singapore inspite of terrorism n felt dat Singapore's preparations against this threat were quite sufficient..

the papers went on to say dat this was a good sign especialli as similar surveys done in countries like Germany, France and e UK showed much higher percentages of dis-satisfaction with govt preparations n unease over security issues...

wat dis report convenientli neglected was firstly, than any basis of comparison must first take into consideration the size of the survey sample..dat is, how many people were surveyed..in Singapore, a survey reflectin our population would be smaller than one dat genuinely reflected the much larger German population for instance...n when survey sizes r smaller, they tend to be a less accurate gauge of people's views because of certain statistical principles..its true..survey 10 people versus 100 persons regardin whether they hav wet dreams n u could get totalli different answers..

second and more importantli, u're onli lookin at one side of der coin..when any country in der world has 4 in 10 surveyed say wat amounts to, "Yes, I'm afraid terrorists will blow mi up along Orchard Road and i dun think our govt is doin enuff to keep mi safe"..its a damnin condemnation dat can bring down a western democracy...40% of 3.5 million people (assumin dis survey is accurate n genuinely reflective of e population) is wat? 1.4 million people!!i dunno about u..but if i were a govt minister, i would be very worried about such a disturbin revelation...

and just to sour the optimism of the local media a little more, 1.4 million unhappy people out of a total population of 3.5 to 4 million spread out over an area less than 600 sq km means a lot more than in France n Germany, which have many provinces and cities dat serve to thin out the ranks of the discontented n uneasy..

oh well, its Singapore n we're special la..onli here does e media put such a natural spin on things n praise instead of criticise..after all, wat can der man on e street expect from newspapers dat consistently rank so low on der the international gauge of press freedom and censorship as to be inconsequential? at least they're consistent...give 'em an award for performin to international expectations!

Toilet Humour

Really, its funny wat a nuisance searchin for toilets can be sometimes...recountin an experience from last sunday i believe its ridiculous n perplexin how e search for a toilet can be when we most need it..

it so bluid-dy happened dat last sunday i knovked off duty as COS in camp n was headed for church service at 1030..now as it was still early when i got on e train, bein onli 0900..i decided to make a brief stop at Dhoby Ghaut to catch some breakfast n move out e poison in ma body(if u catch ma drift)

upon reachin e locale, e slight murmur in ma belly had become an inferno of pain ala chemotherapy..n so i made a beeline for dat John aka WC aka piss-station (army-speak)..onli to be confronted by a sweet, small, yellowish clapboard dat proclaimed with a loud voice,"i'm cleanin after u dumbos..get outta here b*tch!"

a so i did e nxt logical thing..went to find e toilet on e next storey..guess wat? by e same freak occurance dat makes men millionaires in a game of blackjack, it too was closed for cleanin..by e time i got to e 3rd floor toilet..i knew somethin was amiss...to guarantee banker always wins, e dice had been loaded..so to speak..all closed for cleanin by very-present studious cleanin aunties..

why? is there too much money to employ multiple toilet cleanin crews who can clean e loos at e same time? or simply dat management needed to conduct army-style stand-by-area inspections of all toilets before 1000 hrs? maybe the prime minister of timbuktu was comin to visit Plaza Sing n had a history of poor bladder control...n why clean all e toilets in e mornin before visitors came and not some e nite before n some e next mornin? wateva it is, e conclusion dat can be drawn best is dat toilet-cleanin in PS is neither scheduled very smartly nor scheduled very well, or dat it is followed so zealously n religiousli dat it can onli be done at a certain time, to e inconvenience of all others...

anyways, e end of e matter was dat i had to walk to Rendesvouz Hotel to use e bluid-dy toilet..in my weakened state due to e wrenchin spasms of tummy contractions (dat i swear would hav given mi a 6-pack set of abs if they persisted for a little longer)..dat was no small joke man...i guess e moral of e story is dat one should never assume SAF-style rhetorical stupidity is onli found in SAF camps..i found a neat parallel dat day...

der thing she does

Tuesdays with Morrie is a book i've come to treasure...Mitch says dat leavin sch, he left his dreams behind n became hard..dats not e best part..my fav part is dat someone came along who loved him enuff to wait for him n marry him..

i've alwaez been a stupid romantic in ma heart o' hearts n i wait for e right one to come, like Chelsea waitin for Jose Mourinho to arrive..therein lies e problem.."a riddle, hidden in a mystery, wrapped in an enigma" as Churchill put it..if we wait, wat if we never meet dat special one?u see, its my honest belief dat there's alwaez someone who fits a fella's preferences for members of e opposite sex (actualli its a few..) but we never meet 'em, or never get to noe them well coz our social circle is just a little smaller than them..

take for instance, a gal i got to meet thru frens; miss An lets call her..when i got added to her frenster list, i found dat i had so mani similar interests with her..n i liked e same songs, movies, books n authors i liked..hell we even had e same religion...i knew we would hav an instinctive chemistry if we onli got to noe one another better...

then i realised she had a boyfren she was deepli in love with and u noe wat its like with gals who r attached..can never get close enuff to 'em...n becos i onli had 1 fren with her in common, it was impossible to get any closer..n i am not e kinda jerk who becomes e 3rd party in a relationship...i noe wat dat feelin is like to be potong jalan'd so to speak...

so it was dat i never got to noe her well, go out with her or be given e opportunity to chase her...a case of not meetin someone e rite time n of not bein given sufficient opportunities or even proximity to develop into somethin more..

so then they say Fate makes sport of men...they hav a point u noe..n so wat else do u think i can do but wait..like Tom Hanks in The Terminal, sometimes we spend all our lives waitin for somethin to happen..e onli good i can see is dat, havin seen the ungiven opportunity, we learn to seize both e day n wat we are allowed when it finally comes..as well as to treasure it for it does not come by easily..dat in a nutshell, is e single greatest lesson we need to learn when we wait; n onli after dat can we move on..

How An Arthouse Film Seizes the Senses

i hav a thing for French films these days..especialli after watchin Jean Luc Besson's Taxi trilogy...e French hav a thing for prctical jokes as much as e English hav a thing for dry, sacarstic humour..

i feel dat a good movie should always indulge e senses without overwhelming them, as well as incorporate a good high speed car chase n a love affair between 2 protagonists whom fate tries to keep apart..throw in a few laughs for comic relief n u hav it..Taxi 1, 2 and 3..

it may be slapstick n will probabli appeal onli to certain pple such as the male psyche...but Taxi is undoubtedli creative, tongue-in-cheek n defiant towards established authority as well as reflective of a dark undercurrent of rebellion by the youth of France...

as such, it is prophetic of the recent troubles in France..wat with e riotin, lootin n arson...French youth simpli dun respect e police, military or any form of authority these days...the latest addition to a long history of anti-authoritarian civil unrest which include the Paris Commune, Sans Culottes n the French Resistance against Marshal Petain's Vichy govt in WW2..as the British would say..the Frogs dun like social hierachies or Frog kings

oh dear, this isn't meant to insult e French or anything..i started out praisin French film n ended insultin French youth..no, no...i realli appreciate French culture, wine (YES!), women (oops) n French country..but i seem unable to understand the inability of the French to do wat the obvious n well-reasoned out step is to restore internal order..act against violence n crime while investigatin e source of the outbreaks thoroughly..

anyway, its not my place to tell e French wat to do..but i think more effective street policin, with a little more extreme car chases like in Taxi, might win some hearts n minds...

Sunshine Diwali

this is a nod n a thank goin out to Kumu for dat invitation to the Deepavali lunch at his place...

On Thurs, Kumu invited the NWo gang n miself to his place along Sunshine Terrace in Yio Chu Kang for a Deepavali lunch (belated it was actualli)nice ploy ma bro gettin us to dress niceli cos supposed 'guests' were comin in addition to us..u see, to us testosterone-fuelled guys, we naturalli made e assumption dat this meant der Ladies were comin as well..

so of course we dressed up (more than dictated by e bounds of smart casual) like Ents waitin to meet the Ent-wives (in Lord of e Rings parlance)...n Kumu fooled us all..but i guess he was right..dat was the onli way to get a nice formal clothin picture of all o'us for once...cheat!

the food was great i tell ya...Kumu's mum serves the best sambal prawn n curried quail egg this side of the hemisphere i dare say!n e mutton n chix was fabulous... not too spicy but a full range of flavours on e palatte...n the gravy was pasty n not too watery, which for Indian food is ideal i feel...n was dat vegetable curry sauce ladeled on my banana leaf, on top o' ma rice? (ate au naturale we did) makes e rice go smooth down da throat man...a bit like chinese soup with rice..sigh..e onli thing lackin was a good dry n citrus white wine to complement and even bring out the flavours..but then again..we strive for perfection right?

we had a great time..thanks Kumu! friendship refreshed by a good meal is always welcome with mi..its been attributed to Benjamin Franklin, "Praise the Lord, and pass the ammo!" let it be attributed to mi, "Praise the Lord, and pass the curry!"

I'll Shame the B*s*a*r**!!!

tonite is for mi blog nite and there's lotsa stuff i wanna blog about...to start e yarn-spinnin n tale bearin we hav ye ol' story of modern-day social colonialism n pharasaical racial superiority...

there's a fire in ma' belly as i'm writin this here song...
as movin roun' in li'l Orchard Ro
ma mouth turned a-tasty
ma tongue clapped n clung, a-Ho!

before mi lies a Mc-Cafe In Lidos' b'ttom,
i run to get a drink o' Kaffey-ne; wait!
not so hasty! a bum-drop we first must find
so high, low look till we gott 'em,
sweet as a corn'r in a lake...

ta buy ma' piped hot cuppa i do head
done in ten mikes with possession
heigh-ho! ma seat looks not like fish-bait
see wat fashion a big hairy crab took it
red n cooked in e tropical sun
with lil' oriental rose beside him..such fun!

piss off! in ma mind i hear,
i even left my magazine aroun
careless flip u've thrown on floor...
but miself; wat a dear! i frown,
n head out e door, my mag underarm found

now cappucino goes cold down ma throat,
but white-hot in da belly...

why is it dat Asians victimise themselves in their own country when we feel intimidated by certain pale-skinned folks who've not been very nice? y do we still grin n bear it? reverse colonialism i call it; asian women thinkin 'said-group' men are better n asians givin deference to them because WE think they r superior by right n birth, colour n skin..

stop colonisin ourselves i say...pschologically n socially..a final word to those who think otherwise...Frank Herbert's Dune series of sci-fi books has a group of slaves risin up against their racially 'superior' masters in der context of a wider war on humanity by machine intelligence..i quote the slaves to their human masters,"you r worse than the machines for u enslave ur own kind!"