Thats It

The View From One End of The Earth (Above)

An End Of the Earth-I sat at One

Ends of da Earth

As a young student in SAS (also known 2 mi as the SA Commonality after the system of dividing areas for e Capellan Confederation--in dis fictional set of sci-fi books known as the Battletech/Mechwarrior series, but dats way out of topic), i was told durin chapel lessons by a parish worker how he was called into full-time ministry..

evidently, he had sat on dis huge rock juttin over the sea (in Australia also) n had felt the still, small voice of God speak to his heart..

fast forward to 2006..just returned from a trip to Port Macquarie on Wednesdae nite..n 1 of e high points of e trip was goin to Tacking Point Lighthouse in Port Macq n clamberin onto e edge of a granite n limestone cliff overlookin e sea below..without any safety rails aroun of course..n seein wat i call One End Of The Earth...juttin right out n overlookin sea below..boundless blue above n in front till the azure ribbon of sky met the turquoise band of the sea at the horizon..

1 song played in my mind as i stood there in the freezin chill wind overlookin e expanse of nothingness..I believe in you, and i would go; to the Ends of The Earth, to the Ends of the Earth, for you...Ends of The Earth..a christian piece by e Planetshakers if i'm not mistaken..

One has gone to the ends of the earth for mi n i, in my time, will be led to make my own journey to my end of the earth for dat One..of course, i told no 1 wat i felt or experienced..they won't understand i noe..n also, they would not b much concerned wat i felt bout a rock ..

wat strikes mi most is not so much e smallness of man compared to e world aroun him but dat in life we are all challenged inspite of difficuties we face n even happiness we enjoy to rise higher n become all dat we are made to be..in character, nature and achievement..be it for the Powers Dat Be or ourselves..there is something more important than us as individuals..family, society, nation, God..lets hope we're all not so myopic we can't recognize this..

sometimes i wonder, how far would u n i go for things dat mean something to us?if you're willing to go to the ends of the Earth, u just might find a brilliant horizon waitin beyond..cheers..

For Frens

i'm still stuck on e topic of frenship i guess..i was at a frens b'dae on fri..n we've not known each other long..but goin e extra mile for those aroun u is wat i learned in e army n these years of life..

there was a fren i knew vaguely in St Andrews(Terence, was someone i never got 2 noe well..he was in a neighbourin class, a bit ah beng (while i'm more ang moh pai-until ns at least) n we had different circles of frens..he was in NCC (i think) while i was in e scouts..

afta e o-levels, he went to poly n i, to JC..so i never knew him well..never bcos 1 day when i was in JC 2 i received a message from a close ex-SA fren who knew some in his group of frens..he had racked up a large amount of gamblin debts(on soccer, no doubt) n in a last, desperate bid to escape Ah Long frens..he jumped from his house..din quite soar like superman..quotin Jack Neo from Money No Enough, "Lang zhi lei suai, qi jiao bian gong gui"..

mayb i could hav gotten to noe him betta..or mayb i could not hav done anything..but i came away learnin never to take those aroun mi for granted..sometimes my parents say i spend a lotta time with frens (n wonder if they r zhu peng gou you) but its becos i dun wanna take my frens for granted..(n for e record, family comes first b4 frens still...haha)..

i noe some gals i knew were uncomfortable with how i seek to get to noe them betta..but its alwaezs been with pure intentions n well, i guess after many years..i've learned to b as non-obnoxious n non-chalant as possibl..but e bottom line is..i care for frens as deeply as a certain Great Fren n Brother cared for His disciples..sincere n pure...but unashamedly forward..

Why so Pissed?

I tot bout it n guess i owe every1 a bit o' explaination n background bout dat outburst in e last post..(doesn't make mi look 2 good huh? i must appear so small-minded n punitive)..

i alwaez treat my frens well..no matter close or distant, near or far..i've frenz in Cambridge whom i miss so much dats 1 reason i wanna go home in June to catch them durin their summer vacation (for them) cos in dec they won't b aroun(different seasons n timetables)..n 1 of them i only knew for 3 months in BMT..

but there's a certain courtesy n respect i expect from frens..if not why consider urselves frens?i dun pick n choose my frens like some weird permutation n combination module in a-level 'c' maths (which i never understood or caught on too)..

so y frens must draw line until like dat?not hittin any1 except dat 5 year long fren n Singapore..y i can call n message u but u cannot call mi unless u want something? y when i leave e country means automaticalli become hi n bye frens?? y different gender frens must be ignored when in a mixed group? y fren cannot keep in contact when i leave country? n y is it dat u take for granted all ur frens in e long run; even e gals?? just bcos u dun see ur frens everyday so means out of sight, out of mind?

well, i think its strange myself..mayb i'm by nature more sensitive n guys r poor with their emotions but i really really think dat fren has a real attitude problem..she's gotta grow up where frens n relatin to pple r concerned..i think she's gotta stop seein pple as objects 2 b manipulated n only for her own benefit..frenship is bout givin as much as takin..a little like marriage they say, dats y e most successful couples started as good frens..dats not wat i'm sayin here though..just dat u gotta b more sincere n true to ur frens..not just use-them-n-discard-them..n she appears to mi to b like dat (slowly e pieces fell into place as i knew dis person more n more for 5 years)

n why now only does dis come out? mayb as i said, guys suck at portrayin their emotions (esp to close frens n those who hav meant things to them)..or mayb its just dat..its symptomatic of some pple i knew who turned out like dat n 2daez e dae to bury them all..

lets hope tml is a new start for frenships n pple who hav not let mi down..here's 2 Frens..dead n livin...Cheers!!

Moody Daez

One of those brown, dull daez..esp since i can't seem 2 get dis blog 2 type in colour n different fonts..wat e heck is dis?

sometimes dis blog is used to covertly (not alwaez) slap some pple (frens included)across e face..

on 1 of my (not-so-kind daez 2day) i realli wanna give it 2 a 'fren' of mine whom i've known for 5 plus years..

i realise i've misunderstood n offended her..its my fault for callin n messagin u 2 ask if we could meet up b4 i came over to Newcastle..i made e mistake of thinkin our frenship was like dat i had with my closest frens who cared bout mi goin abroad n wanted e best for mi..

i was wrong..pls forgive mi for elevatin e status of our frenship..i realise i was bein too much in wishin u would find out when i was leavin n fulfill e pleasantries of bein a good fren..

so now, i guess dat our frenship is on a different plane..so much so dat enemies treat mi with more respect n i respected them mutualli for it..but den again..i was wrong to believe dat with evry person..frenship is based on trust n respect..not for us (u at least,not mi)..

well, dats it then..e worth of a frenship..shown so clear to mi..i'm sorry, but its my fault for thinkin we were true frens..goodbye, fren..

Easter Sunday

So then, Easter Sunday..in Sydney, gonin for e hillsongs concert later in e evening..i did go to e actual Good Fri service in the Hillsongs city church campus (yes dats wat they call it)..

how was it? well..they're not as plastic n insincere as certain large churches in singapore which a certain fren goes to just because its big n gives the appearance of success (e curse of e young christian)..warmer, more welcomin, much more frenli n infinitely more sincere..

but i was a bit shocked dat service only had 4 songs; 2 praise n 2 worship...did somethin happen to e legendary Hillsongs reputation for praise n worship..1 truly wonders..

well i guess when any institution (or even church) has to cater to a larger crowd, they become more commercialised n mass-appeal based..dats y i prefer my churches slighly smaller, for a warmer n more cosy fit..n more God appeal as i call it..

well, to b fair, of all e many huge churches i've been too (in singapore at least)..Hillsongs is e most amiable n non-threatening..it has e biggest heart n most spiritual soul of all e mega-churches..n believe mi..bein a christian for many many years does grant mi some discernment n dare-i-say experience in these matters..

its Easter Sunday, n i believe Christ rose dis day for reasons onli e most superficial of which we can begin to comprehend..wat does it feel bein a christian for 19 years n 17 bein Spirit-Filled (1 of e best n happiest experience i ever had)? there've been dis-illusionments with human beings so much..but my faith has been stripped down so many times to its kennel n e foundations reinforced..

i learnt all e great lessons, faith, hope, love, compassion, kindness, brotherly goodness, endurance e hard way from e Master's hand..i never had an easy day..n its shaped mi 2 kinda b e 'gangsta' christian i sometimes am..straight-talkin just like ex-Israeli(n deceased) president Ezer Weizman n dark as Christ in e Garden of Gethsamane..

so then, i've reconciled myself to e fact dat none will truly understand mi like Christ does though i alwaez seek to b understandin..n human love is too often a chimera (ok, Richard n other army mates, it means an illusion) but i seek 'to love, and to love with all my heart' like e medic in Band of Brothers when asked wat kept him treatin e wounded n dyin when it seemed so hopeless n meaningless..

dis Easter, i remember Christ's awesome sacrifice n e power of His resurrection, i distrust e crowd dat one Sun cheered Him n crucified Him e next Fri, n i seek to live in a manner dat He will smile upon n say, "dats My bi*ch" on e way we meet beyond..in spite of all human failings n disappointments..

To Christians, Gd Easter..to all non-christians..sorry for bein so 'religious' n 'christian' on dis one day..onli dis time..once a year i put dis on my blog..apologia..

Paint

am readin dis book on the Impressionists n their art..its part of some research i'm doin on interior of houses for an assignment..

y e Impressionists? i just felt like drawin inspiration from them i guess..livin in a world of constant flux n change..where things r not certain..of course i'm attracted to their works n style..

paintin on e canvas of life is interestin for mi..it realli allows one to view life as a canvas on which we apply pastel shades of our experiences n lessons learnt..n e Impressionists realli teach mi (in a philosophical way) how to layer on paint to convey a sharp impression to others which one wants to communicate..i too want to make deep, lastin n unique impressions on e lives of others n thru wateva i say n do..


Living in an age of rapid change n not-infrequent upheaval where e only meaningful thing one can do is record one's impressions n pass them on to thers who dun live in such a world is something dat i identify with greatly..mayb cos its a hangover from my teenage years..or mayb cos there's still something of dat teenager in mi..half filled with wonder n half filled with questioning emotion..dats why i like e Impressionists but then..we all need themes in life to identify with rite?

mayb 1 day when i've arrived in dis life (which i hope i never feel n think) n can look back on it all n wonder wat it all means n why i've come dis way..den mayb i'll stop admirin e Impressionists n admire e art of say, e postmodernists or modernists..without questions n angst but filled with superior sentiments n disillusionment..but i dun wanna do dat if i possibly can..

by e way, its Ash Wednesday..halfway thru e Holy week n a time indeed, for ashes..but more on dat later..for now, just let mi paint on my canvas..hows e paint on urs?

Dat Faint Glimmer

Ye've left a glimmer still to cheer,
The man-the artifex
That Holds inspite o'knocks and Scale
o'friction waste and slip,
an' by that light-now Mark my Word-
we'll build the perfect Ship
Frank Lloyd Wright, Architect

when man drops low on e horizon due 2 trials n difficulties, things of beauty inspire n challenge..like music or painting, or (dare i say) architecture...Einstein once told a famous composer (can't recall which) dat listening to his symphony made him believe dat there is a God who created evrything beautiful in its time again..

dats my manifesto where architecture is concerned..dat man may know how only God can create a being so capable of beautiful n wondrous things..if we onli reached e potential He set for us (instead of settlin for dat 1 miserable bite of e forbidden fruit in e garden of Eden dat everyday tastes more n more sour in e belly of every man, woman n child)..

e most beautiful buildin i've evr seen is e Church of Notre-Dame Du Haut in Ronchamp, France..by Le Corbusier..now i can definitely tell City Harvest blokes how insignificant their buildin is..hahaha..(by architectural standards at least)..its really a statement addressed to God n cast in concrete..

its a buildin dat says though i hav my doubts n concerns, at e end o' e dae i still trust in God n still choose to follow e God who rules both earth n heaven..n incidentally, our lives..livin faith dat questions n asks but still believes when 1 noes e answers dun come easy or r not neccessarily understandable..

dats y i love architecture..more than e fact dat i love 2 draw..n more den e fact dat i wanna disprove e common notion (back home at least) dat buildin, construction n design r dead end industries..but bcos its so awesome to make a statement dat lasts for decades or centuries in e landscape..a statement dat is an eternal hymn of praise or a deep-seated questionin of social norms n customs..i never liked bein pigeon-holed in life(n Dats incidentalli wat Singaporeans do best; ch*o ch*e b*e) n with architecture, i'll never be..cos each new design reveals somethin new bout mi..(at least dats e way i see it)

mayb some of u like mi..mayb some of u dun..but i like wat i'm doin..n dis is mi..so i'll keep buildin my 'ships' n livin my life for my Maker..can any 1 of u say e same??haha

Cool, Chilled Sundae

Palm Sundae 06..hows it pannin out at dis time of nite, dis year n over here? well, spendin sat in sydney runnin errands, accompanyin frens n celebratin a fren's birthdae is an experience of its own..tml i head back but 2nite i'm a little wasted here..nice cabernet sauvignon n beer Dale..

sometimes i wonder wat it was like as Christ entered Jerusalem on dat ass of a colt..trepidition or joy, relief or burden..movin unstoppabli 2wards destiny n certain doom..

is life like dat sometimes? do we move towards desiny n wat we r meant to do (by some higher callin n Power) or do we move as circumstances n opportunities dictate? well, dats a question to ponder dis Palm Sundae..

on a more practical n down-2-earth note..away from aimless philosophical meanderin..its nice meetin pple u dun noe b4 n findin out u've so much in common with each other..like Julian, Shamus n myself meetin for e 1st time 2 nite n findin out dat we noe so many pple in common n went thru similar paths in ns..engineers n pioneer, leadership n support.. life can b beautiful among fellow travellers n frens whom u get to noe..pple who share similar interests, outlooks n worldviews..

like e bunch o' soccer guys i met yesterdae n had a game with..for all our differences n problems with each other..on e court, we're all equal..no politics, factions n personal quarrels..football truly brings e world together..u get e ball, u run with it n score (or try 2 score)..

well, we all need frens n companions..we just hav 2 find e rite ones to hang with..frens do come n go..but a core few remain..i only wish there were more of them..n dat i might hav discernment 2 tell which were true n lastin n which are not..so then, Palm Sundae it is..God bless..(i gotta sleep or else i'll miss my fren's mass service tml...haha..just visitin)

Out of Reach

After 2 years and 3 months i finalli found something i had been lookin so fervently for so long..sometimes when we r on e verge of givin in and givin up, we come face to face with dat which eluded us until now..n we're amazed at e poetic justice of it all..

e best things in life take time..as do e best miracles dat God can perform..take Joseph for instance..how long did God take to make a prime minister out of an arrogant dreamer (n save all Egypt n his family in de process?) 20 years..n how long b4 e Hebrews saw e Red Sea open e way to freedom (as immortalised in Prine of Egypt)..400 years..

miracles need not be instant solutions to current affair issues..they can be life-long permanent change stuff..

wat was dat which i waited 2 plus years for? a copy of e song, Out of Reach by Gabrielle..it means a lot to mi..esp when i had just gone thru a difficult break-up n was servin in e army..after 2 years n 3 months, things hav come a long way..n i'm much wiser..which is cause for examinin e beauty of life n grace..

i guess as a person grows older, he/she is more forgivin of others' faults as he/she remembers his/her own..not evry1 of course..in life, some things are just out of reach..i guess e lesson is not to grasp after it..its swimmin in oil..but rather to acknowledge this n carry on with at gives significance n meanin to us..

my apologies for talking so cryptically..i just hav certain emotions as i listen to some songs n need an outlet to express these..so short of shoutin at a wall, i might as well blog bout it..i promise..no crypytic post for my next blog update..cheers

Closure For a Guy

i met Junior in church bout 2 weeks ago..he was a Papua New Guinean here studyin at TAFE (e Australian equivalent of poly) ...he was with his brother at our church Bible study..1 of e frenliest guys i'd met in church up till dat point (excludin Pastor Tony of course)..

he was nice lor..tellin mi bout his bro who had a court case in Brisbane for alledgedly breakin in n stealin 2 cars..his bro swore he never did it..i who hav a dim view of human nature can't totalli believe him of course..but they're frenli n kind..dats e point..

well, dis week i met him on Sundae after not seein him aroun for a week..n he was distraught, haggard, quiet n tired..after service i asked him n found out why..his uncle had passed away in Paua New Guinea last fri after a sudden n debililitatin sickness..he was at least ok in comin to church..his bro was too affected to come..

he seemed to hav cried his eyes out man..n Junior (with his bro) was headin home to PNG on Monday for a week for e funeral proceedins...its been said dat funerals are not for e dead but rather e livin..

i read e rather irreverent quote dat e dead do not care for wat is done to their corpses after they r gone..but its e livin who need closure, comfort n an end..dat they might grieve n be healed...n carry on with their lives with e memory of their deceased loved ones in their heart alwaez dignified..dats y pple lost at sea or missin after 7 years r pronounced legally dead n (sometimes) funerals r held in their honour..closure..we all need to carry on n live..dats wat e dead would want for us most..not to die with them..but to live n live well..so live Junior...live

sometimes we all need to find closure n carry on..

Reminices n Confessions

they say confession is good for e soul..as i'm thinkin of home while carryin out my assignments iwonder where many of my best moments of life went n e mistakes i made..n of e kind of guy i am dat causes so much difficulty in my life (to myself onli; hopefulli not to others)..

its betta now no matter how stressed i am than when i was in e army..Shian, Shamir, Varun, Kumu , Eugene n e rest o' e bros i noe will tell u how much blackness n darkness of soul there is there..esp in e combat unit i was in..i finalli made my peace with God dat nite in Shoalwater Bay over in Queensland as i gazed at e constellations..Southern Cross n other southern hemisphere stars i did not recognise..i knew in dat hour how small man is n how temporal compared to an eternal God..i saw dat e stars represented everything good n pure n noble even in e darkest nite sky..for all e wrongs (perceived n actual) done mi n e evil i've seen..e stars shine no less brilliantly up there..when faith in everything true n gd n pure dies, hope remains..

as usual, i'm talkin some mumbo-jumbo no1 can quite understand at dis time of mornin..i deviate.."of regrets there r many; n i hav my fair share" (Serena Butler, in Brian Herbert's Legends of Dune:The Butlerian Jihad)..i wished i had not gotten into dat stupid relationship back when i was repeatin my a's..we did everything a couple did but never formalised it..n God, e breakup..dats a revelation 2 some of u guys..its been v private b4 dis..

when u're 18, u think u noe stuff but den u realise at 21 (n forever after) dat u didn't..i was a fool..n i paid for my folly then..i'm e kinda guy who tends towards possessive behaviour naturally..n i hav 2 keep safeguards n checks against dat constantli..n i can b sensitive many times..i became much more a hard-charger when i entered e army..n mani times i just want 2 rush into things..whether relationshps or otherwise..n dat too i've had to learn to constantli monitor n keep in check..

oh well, deep down i guess i've alwaez been dat stupid little SAS boy who never gets anythin good cos he's either 2 hesitant or 2 forward n aggressive..just a lot darker, more sinister n more driven by those dark forces..i alwaez wondered how much pple understood mi deeply..n i'm forced to conclude not many..mayb i'm just homesick at 1 am local time but i wish dat i had betta frens over here who were not just hi-n-bye type..i mean its not e loneliest i've evr felt la (dat was when i played my bass guitar,Fiery Fiona, at St Francis' Religious Emphasis Week; onstage with no-one i knew well at all..) but still..its a mighty F**k up C**e B*e situation lor..can't break into or fit into many cliques over here..dats mayb 1 reason i joined SSA..to hav an outlet for my energies dat allowed mi to engage with as many pple as possibl..but dats a different story..

its stupid la, but sometimes here i just wish i had some1 special 2 care for n be cared for by..but i guess God's e only real option..g'mornin anywae

While at It

since i'm here at e library n doin my assignment, i might as well blog in-between when havin a break..i was havin a leisureli n very pleasantly surprisin msn chat with David from my armour days with e cell group for our combat unit..he said some very encouragin stuff to mi dat gave mi some new perspective of pple, events (be they good or bad) n exam stress..

sometimes we all feel like we're 'knockin on heaven's door'; in e words of dat old Guns-n-Roses song..unable to progress n unable to understand wat it all means n e purpose behind it..e heavens can seem like brass to all our prayers n petitions..

den encouragement comes in a flash like Paul's Damscus experience or Job's Whirlwind or even Elijah's still-small-voice..n for a moment e entire horizon opens up to us n we see new vistas dat amaze us n make our heads dizzy..just for 1 second we see Heaven's plan n Earth's longin..n we r speechless..for 1 second, 'heaven is a place on earth' as dat old retro song goes..

den we return 2 our bored dreary lives refreshed n empowered..strengthened n encouraged..heartened instead of dis-heartened..1 word can be all it takes to lift up..

David told mi dat in life..we ought to respond with christ's love..even to love e un-loveable, enemies n frens n loved ones of course..y?? becos love is God's secret manoeuvre to outwit e enemy of our souls..as i put on my msn nick, love cannot be understood or comprehended by evil n wickedness..n history has shown dat wat cannot be understood n grasped inevitably comes back to defeat n destroy e clueless..dats why fear (which is e result of a lack of acceptance n understandin) kills..e former Ussr never understood capitalism, free will n choice..n look wat capitalism did to the commies??Bingo..dats e idea in a nutshell..

so then, if some1 has hurt u or sought 2 destroy u 2day..respond with love..deliver e coup de grace dat is heaven's riposte to e arrows of fear, hatred n contempt..love is neither soft nor weak nor gentle..it is e storm dat breaks down walls n dams n overruns e furthest rear areas of the heart, soul n mind..it is e mechanized thrust dat secures e vital breakthru for everything dats noble, good n true..outflank e enemy!!

The Heart of Dreaming

my best frens noe how much i love Neil Gaiman's Sandman and other graphic novels as well as stories like American Gods, Wolves-in-the-Walls n Neverwhere...

guess i was 2 tired last nite but when i went to sleep at aroun 330 after e SSA elections n some 'refreshments of an alcoholic nature'..i had an episode dat seemed 2 come directli out of Neil Gaiman's Sandman series..i had a dream dat i've had b4 in e army n in times of great exhaustion n weariness..

well, i dreamt dat i was runnin in e forest again..as a man..then as i ran farther n grew tired, i felt a sudden burst of speed overtake mi..n i started goin faster n harder..when i looked at my hands n feets i saw dat i seemed to be more n more animal-like..until i realised i was no longer human but wolf..runnin thru glen, dale n forest..n i was without fear..a sleek hunter in e nite..e strange tot came to mind as i awoke with a jolt..i am wolf n they are sheep..then e sure thrill of e hunt took mi as i awoke in cold sweat..disturbin dream..

i gather dat i must hav been real tired out b4..i alwaez wake with a certain drive n sense of purpose (terrible purpose) after dis dream..dreams tell us wat we refuse to face when awake n reveal our greatest hopes n fears to ourselves..its been said..they are a reflection of ourselves n all dat is brightest/darkest in us..

i tot of my dream b4..n feel dat though stupid n somewat scary, it reveals something bout myself..dat mayb wat i crave most in life is respect...not so much so dat pple will giv mi glory or anythin..dats definitely not mi..but i want my place in e sun..its just dat too many pple hav despised mi n scorned mi in life..i wanted to tell many pple in life n back home dat i'm a human bein with feelins too..but i realised dat human nature is such dat pple dun considr each othr unless some forcefulness is shown on an individual's part..

well, Christ's message 2 do 2 others wat we want them 2 do to us shd be kept by Christians but i noe it won't be kept by e world..so how? i do my part lor..n dun bother bout e rest..i seek to do as i would like 2 be treated..n where man tries to do otherwise to mi..well mayb e time to show some teeth has arrived..

strange wat a dream can provoke us to think about huh? Morpheus of the Endless (not e download program) said dreams bring to light our transience n frailty in a big world..but dat these temporary n passin images hav e power to create n destroy worlds as well..wat dreams hold u today frens?