She's Trouble

i understand it now why Kian said e single life can b very pleasin..n its not dat difficult gettin used to..

its interestin realli..single life doin wateva u desire with no 1 to realli constrain or stop u..it can feel excellent..esp if u're a non-conformist rebel n outsider like mi..

of course, there will b extremeli loneli days to live thru but i think one can realli b eof great service to God n his frens n society whilst single..fear of old age singlehood? well, dat takes courage livin up to everyday..but seriousli..one day at a time lived in a fulfillin manner b4 God n man realli takes one's mind off such matters...

so i mean, its with certain uncertainty dat a fren told mi recentli dat anothr close fren might b interested in mi...i dunno how 2 respond truli..shd i act as though nothin has happened, confront e person or simpli sit back, observe n wait 2 see how it happens? i'm an opportunist n e last option seems most attractiv 2 mi..i guess i'm just afraid of rejection n a roller coaster emotional ride all over again..

n anywae..its been proven (to mi at least) time n time again dat women r simpli not attracted 2 guys like mi..simple, direct n borin (though i try not 2 think so..its depressin 2 think of urself as boring..not very complimentary)..e onli thing i realli like is soccer, music n readin a good book..so there, dats mi..but as they say, life deals u a deck of cards..good or bad its not for u or mi 2 say..but its our job 2 play our hand 2 e hilt..havin done dis..i can truli exclaim..gd game! at e end of it all..juz like a good Poker/Bridge player..cheers!

Silver Swimmin Dolphins

as some of u may noe, i am part of dat organisation plannin student activities known as the S'pore Students Association Newcastle..n it just so happens 2 b National Day 2dae..

in between doin assignments for an architectural Phase submission, we planned a National Day dinner on a budget n minimal time..it was hectic n tirin i tell ya..but satisfyin in a deep sorta intangible wae dat words can't adequateli express..

there were e babes as usual inc frens who realli dressed 2 kill n showin off their best features while guys arrived with their here-to-fore unknown n unseen galfrens dat looked like God's gift to e human race..or at least e male side of it..there WaS dis 1 particular Eurasian gal...hmmm..though i wonder if its all Eurasians who act cool n proud n distant n dat e world (n all things asian) is so beneath them..

i wonder sometimes though, bout certain inalienabl facts..dat human beins r strange creatures who never understand e intricacies n work-bhind-e-scenes dat goes into any successful event or party..even one so rushed, insignificant n money-losin like e Silver Dolphin National Day Dinner..but den, i dun work for human approval or appreciation..onli for e collectiv welfare of those who represent somethin 2 mi..home n country in dis case..

it was good celebratin our country's birthday overseas all in all..i never felt so much hidden emotion(which i hid bhind a cool posterior) in singin e national anthem or listenin 2 NDP songs by Steph Sun or Kaira Gong (dis yr)...though its back 2 work dis mornin...i believe National Daez r special events..

like i put in my msn nick...(mis-usin e Passover Valedictory; God forgive)..ur fathers ate e bread of independence when they left the Federation..therefore, u are to remember dis dae as a remembrance for all generations to come...

For a Trip to e Northern Valley

a trip up North alwaez brings forth great delights n experiences here in Australia; whether to e Sunshine Coast, Brisbane or Queensland or even e small Hunter Valley where most of e wines for e whole of New South Wales is fermented n cured..

e experience was quite magical n intoxcicatin though i felt it was a little excessive..beautiful acres n acres of vineyards n winery estates with wooden vines, barren n all (since its winter) hangin on metal support wires like some eerie imitation of a cucifix..2 arms outstretched n e stem hangin like e legs of a crucifeid man..weak n broken..risin out of e ground weakli..

well, there were of course, several scattered cheese factories n chocolate fudge production centres which sold excellent cheese n fudge..which i bought (all 500 grams of macadamia n peccan as well as 150 grams of Turkish Apricots) but it was the wine which realli put mi in a state of euphoria (e stage b4 drunkeness..which i abhor n decry..)

then there was e beautiful Irish Eatin Place along e way where we stopped for lunch..amazin mash potatoes(e best i've ever eaten) , mashy green peas(mash dat looks green but tastes awesome) n huge Pork sausages e Irish call Bangers(i can't help but associate dis with vulgar connotations)..unfortunateli..e waitin time was horribl...45 mins for lunch..

so then, i was realli amazed dat a country could devote such acres, kilometers n hectares of land just for wine, chees n chocolate fudge production..n i realise (perversli) wat S'pore misses out on..we're too disjointed frm nature... n economicalli, we're missin out on a great area of economic sustenance..oh well..dats e price of breakneck urbanization n modernization with little space for anythin much rural or agricultural..

a Lamentation

when i feel down i listen 2 music that either 1) depicts my mood or 2) lifts up my mood...dats y i like complex tunes that on listenin, reveal different layers n many complex moods for all occasions..

if i had to choose a piece for my mood, it would eithr b Linkin Park's In The End or a realli sad chinese piece like Wu Bai's Tong Kun de Ren..

i cannot understand e mind of some of these young female things esp e ones in University n esp esp e one who juz broke my best fren's heart back home...taken for a ride? or simpli not good enuff? or e game is over n e player is due 2 b thrown out?

my fren's heart is not a wet piece of rag 2 b thrown aroun..neithr ismine or any other guys'..i seem 2 b more up in arms ovr dis issue den my best fren..i guess when i see his pain i think back on my own 'almost perfect' relationships that r so sad on their own..

dats y i closed e door on romantic involvement a while ago (earlier in e yr) n onli One Supreme Fren has the key...n dis is y I want 2 direct my energies to achievin somethin worthwhile in dis life n in Newcastle..becos like e Israelis, i noe dat for evrythin in life i hav ever truli wanted, i've had 2 fight hand, tooth, nail n claw for..as Golda Meir (one of e women I respect e most) said, e world will stand n watch Jewish blood bein spilled n do nothin..we hav to do somethin for our own pple..n dat has made mi realise dat we hav 2 safeguard our interests in life..esp affairs of e heart..

well, i can onli cry for my fren n pray for him...n vow dat one day, we who crawl on our bellies in e dust will rise up to rule e universe...

Bronchial Troubles

its strange when optimal levels of efficiency n work r just missed completeli due to poor health..everywhere round the world children in Africa, adults in overcrowded Tokyo n underdeveloped Rio De Janeiro , even obese adolescents in the great land of opportunity, The US of A, r succumbin to bouts of sickness n ill-health that impedes e global Gross Domestic Output added togethr...

n these past few weeks, i've joined their ranks...my work is impeded by e terribl fact dat my ol' Bronchial troubles with e horribl hackin dry cough n obsceneli-coloured phelgm as well as wheezin n congested air passages hav returned in force...with e onset of a Mid-year winter dats a unique characrteristic of e southern hemisphere..

ah well, efficiency goes down n spendin on medication increases..i now noe e importance of havin an effectiv n well-tot out(indeed, fully rational) medical/healthcare system..my appointment with the Campus Doctor aka Medical Centre is scheduled for Thurs n i've 2 wait till den to get some proper medication abov e cough lozenge sort sold over e counter here...i guess dats due to e fact dat its free..so i can't complain (onli e consultation; e medicine is a different story n for which i'll hav 2 crawl half-dead n wheezin 3 km away frm my home2 get frm e nearest pharmacy...wat r e odds of dyin before i reach, i truli wonder?)

well, on e bright side...it is good 2 abl 2 see a doctor at all when sick kids in China's Anzhou provinces hav onli far-flung Chinese Physicians (not dat i'm despisin them but e medication takes weird forms n tastes while takin foreva 2 work--as all traditional n alternativ natural medicines do...lengthy time is needed for discernibl effect)..so then, i try 2 temper my Singaporean trait for complainin with a slight dose of reality n awareness..

but dis still does not detract frm e misery inflicted on my throat n air sacs of the vascular system by each consecutiv wreckin cough..like an ancient Ottoman cannon blowin holes in Constantinople's walls, i wonder if e walls of my lungs can withstand dis Battle of Lungs Deep...i betta stop complainin n start prayin in faith for healin..

About First Weeks

1st weeks r supposed 2 b relaxin where a student is eased into e work expected of him or her in e rest of e semester..n where unsuspectingli, he or she is gradualli lowered in2 a pot of boilin fat..but not dis time in my case..

a 1st assignment given on e 1st day of sch n due on e first lesson of e term(thurs) was dropped on us like 'Fat Boy' bein dropped on e unwittin inhabitants of Hiroshima...n i prepared for it e way a guy who's just dug his trench is told dat an attack is underway n he'll hav 2 do his best 2 defend wat he just dug..which is not much..

to e day i die i'll never b convinced dat teachers r not rubbin their hands in glee at e tot of bein able 2 catch students unawares (with their pants down so 2 speak) so dat we might b failed n hav our lives ruined n our futures lookin as bright as e nearest garbage can collector's..y can't we ever hav teachers like Frank McCourt..who would tell his students to clear e tables n chairs n lie on e floor in e dark for a whole period..as a primer for an important lesson..

well, i believe it'll onli get worse with deadlines n workload overpiled from floor to ceilin..well, i've resolved several things dis sem..gettin my first distinctions inc 1 for design..e holy grail of respectability for an archi student..no, not quite..High distinction is e holy grail..n workin out 3 times a week..n gettin my drivin licence in australia..plus more involvment in SSA n FOCUS/NCS work..quite a load..

n tryin 2 be a bit more net-savvy..even goin on msn n skype more..juz to keep in touch with e guys n close frens back home..n in other parts of Australia..well e onli thing 2 look forward 2 is Autonomy Day next Thurs..we'll see how dat goes n i'll explain wat e hell dat is in e days ahead..

Alternate Persona Jon

i speak black words...wat they call a split personality disorder comes back 2 haunt these posts..

speech must b rational? but i'm delirious..so easy 2 let go..pages fly upwards or up words..n i see clear thru dark mists in foggy depths..e road said 50 km to Taree n i'm travellin on e sign post far away..

Rosevelt married his cousin n Theodore was his grandfather..so who r u? so speedy was the animal dat swung from the fence to the tree dat she was clobbered..Animal!!! like a cat or dog u thinks..but yes, its neithr cat and dog..but strangelove..Dr Strangelove

my fren does wrong things..smart wrong things..or stupid rite things? snares sugar in spring traps n lookin for love in all e wrong places while e days get cold n dull n e stars fall from e sky n e sons of e mud rise up 2 claim thin air n red giants..the man crossed the road to loud applause..is dat wat e CIA wanted?

money worries n bad gals who try e good game with good boys gone bad tell e story of a life unravellin..ripped up n thrown into e guts of some deep sea urchin dat shoots fire..many times unknown statues rise n de-errect n i no longer like Ecclesiastical Kingdoms..Babylon e Great has fallen n her works r overturned!

breakin news in e wide world causes narrow grief...n i wonder wat evil is dat often goes worser n worser till it becomes worstest...n a tale of 2 cities becomes e norm..1 town Rome n e othr declinin Spain while the sun shines n earth spins out out out..no orbit or chaos..order inverse no less..or more..

i see clearli again..flatline submarine...

Return 2 Winter

apologies for dat long lull in blog-postin but e tot of stayin home longer than i should juz 2 post somethin when i could b out with e bros n frens was just not appealin..

now i've returned 2 Australia..with e colds n lows (but thankfulli no snows) of re-newed uni life..darn u blokes at NUS, NTU n SMU who hav till August lor..but it was a good time we all had durin those 4 weeks..

watchin late nite or rather early-mornin soccer with Kian n also with Fuzz n YK followed by sleepin on e couch till 12 noon was realli WANTON decadence on a grand scale la!! n then there was e trip 2 Bintan which realli re-awakened dat love for e sun, sand n sea dat i had in secondary sch...realli tropical holiday style ala xia ri mo mo cha..dat was shiok man..

now, e return 2 Australia was fraught with some confusion n animosity(2wards my travel agent) but dats been forgotten a great deal by e excellent Wintercon '06 camp..i'm truli impressed..from e viewpoint of both a Christian n e viewpoint of an events planner..if e SSA Newcastle could b half as competent n professional, we'd begin 2 b a trulli representative body for Singaporeans..

e onli disappointment for mi was e fact dat neither Germany nor Holland managed 2 hold e cup aloft this time in Dortsmund, Germany...n dat e semi-finals n finals were both completely European line-ups..but still, Italy deserved dat win..e French were truli let down by Barthez (even if Zidane had taken a penalty shot n got it in, Barthez would still b e weakest link lettin France down)..but its been a great run for teams like Argentina, Holland n England(if onli they had been more inspired/hungry)

n to my christian frens, i've got 2 end with a great tesimony..my fren Kian, whom Richard n mi hav been prayin for since our army days 2 b saved...n whose sister became a christian in e US..brought along his g/f to meet us 1 nite outin...n it seems she's christian as well..dis wd make no sense if we had not been prayin for him 2 b surrounded by Christian frens who wd b an excellent christian witness in his life..all i can say is dat e Falaise Gap is closin rapidli (if u noe dat historical episode from WW2)..so then, e joy of a fren is my joy..n in our joy, e angels were silent...

Small Change

Does it feel different to post from home? yes it does.. there have been so many instances for mi 2 b thankful n grateful for in life since e return for e winter hols..

e 1st thing that caused some anxiety n den relief was when i searched for some fifty cent coins to pay for my first singaporean meal of laksa n hokkien mee after 6 months(its just 5, yes)..n i realised e joy of having coins fit snugli in ur palm without feelin like u're handling spanish pieces of eight that would feel rite at home embedded in e forehead of Goliath..

dat realli depicts e differences in size, scale, physiology, psychology n thinkin of Australians vis-a-vis S'poreans..its good 2 b home among one's countrymen no matter how bluidy screwed up some o' us can get..n as a sidenote, i'v enot met some of u my frens yet..but will get to u soon once all e catchin up on 6 months worth of letter-replyin n readin, studyin for my basic theory test, liasin with IDP for e June Newcastle intake n all..

now, regardin e world cup, i've got much more 2 say as e game progresses..but at dis stage, i think dat e English side especialli r playin e most uninspired game of football i've ever seen..competent but uninspired..n i can't help thinkin to miself dat Krouch realli looks like some Japanese prisoner of war with his stick thin frame that looks like a bamboo partition..my mind tells mi its gonna be Germany or Argentina holdin e cup aloft..but my heart cries "Oranjes!!!"....Johan Cruyf n Marco Van Basten these guys may not b..but the Royal Netherlands Football Team will alwaez hav dat special place in my heart-of-hearts..oh, n sorry gals, but Zinidine Zidane has got 2 b dropped (n dropped hard) if e French r gonna hav any chance..but mayb it oredi is too late for e French rooster..Henry shd hav been captain from e start..

Ground 0

Last day b4 headin home..had a slight scare earlier with e airline check-in screwin up on mi..they had mi on a flight for Nov 10...n finalli sorted it out by callin n they tracked mi down thru my departure information (from Singapore)...i was hoppin mad n all my expletives started 2 spew oredi..mother-f***ers who shd juz F*** back 2 their mother's h**e..

i've taken enuff shite from certain ang mohs here oredi man..not gonna take any from my own countrymen n from e compamy supposed 2 b renowned for efficiency..i hav half a mind 2 make a formal complaint thru the Singapore International Foundation(SIF) n thru them to e local SIA representative in Sydney..why r members of the Newcastle Singapore Students Association bein victimised for our trouble man? i think dat we deserve a complimentary pair of tickets from SIA for such bullshite (i wish)..hahahaha..dats impossible i noe n juz a fantasy..unless i hav some pezzonovante(Big-shot) fren in high places like e Singapore High Commisioner 2 Australia (which i dun; though we've met at e darn High Commissioner's Tea Event n was dressed super-casualli;n was embarassment incarnate)

shd stop bein so aggressive..after all, i'm onli goin home for a month..but sometimes my ex-army specialist instincts n temper r recalled to service like some emotional reservist activation..better means of gettin back at pple who cause trouble there r den losin my temper..i hav lots 2 learn from Don Vita Corleone of the Godfather fame..

anywaez..e next post will b next week from home..here's my flight details for some of u frens anywaez..but i'll contact u when i get back..no need 2 meet mi at e airport act..i'll say hi if u're there n respect u for it..but i'll b goin home for some rest straight after..n catch ya guys n ladies in e mornin..SQ 232, estimated arrival 545 pm at Singapore Airport Terminal 2...

Finito

"It is Finished..." e 1st semester of yr 1 is over..along with the work involved...

now all dat remains is 3 days between now n goin home for e 1st time in 6 months..i've got stuff 2 get n pple to visit b4 i make my way home..

i must have lunch with frens who've helped mi dis semester with work..i must hav lunch with my pastor n thank him for his advice n support all dis while..i must remembr 2 get those souvenirs for my cousins who gave mi a treat b4 i went overseas..they are family n blood is thicker than water..

n finalli, i can sleep earli n in peace at nite..without worry regardin e next submission, short project, assignment, essay, report or portfolio..until e start of next sem dat is..n truli..i can go back to meet e closest frens i ever made in my life n who've alwaez stood by mi back home..kumu n e NWO, Shamir n e scout bros, Leonard n coy, Kian n e army spec mates..hmmm..if i had some1 special waitin at e airport..it would b perfect..but i dun n i shd not fantasise..else i'll soon hav 2 start smokin 2 relieve dat unneccessary stress again..

but i'm also leavin some good frens i made here behind inc my housemates dat i'll miss till i get back..many pple say i'm very sociable..mayb i am..but i like to think dat i've been blessed with good frens whom i could develop a connection to..some more some less..some like kindred spirits drawn to e same flame..but all whom i appreciate..of course, i've also had bad frens whom i often rant about here...but a bad fren is simpli a fren who could hav been my good fren but chose to cause mi harm n hurt..n it is alwaez my wish dat so-called bad-frens can make good in their life n mine..

so, to those of u still havin exams, all e best n God bless...to others, see u over there..where? Home...beyond e western shore..byond e sunrise (though u can't actualli go beyond e sunrise technicalli speakin)..

People are people

"People are people so why should'nt we? u n i should get along so awfulli..i noe dat u hate though i've done nothin wrong"..e lyrics of Depeche Mode's People realli say it all bout e complexity n confusion of human relationships n human responses..

lateli, i've been so tired , not juz of sch work n all..but also by e multitude of small wars n conflicts regardin pple i noe here in Nescastle..its tirin 2 get involved in it all..but sometimes, we got 2 step back n let e storm blow itself out..

2 those who noe wats goin on, i think we shd juz concentrate on our work n e gd parts of e frenship with othrs..2 those not in e noe..lets juz sae human beins r sensitive creatures esp guys with our egos n frail hearts..dats 1 reason i refuse 2 work at home..even at 9 or 10 at nite..i'll still come 2 e library/studio 2 do work...we all need 2 get away frm it all sometimes..n besides..i hav a very clear dichotomy..home is for sleep n sch for work..i dun traditionalli do work at home or sleep in sch..its part of my work-life philosophy developed in e army..

i wish dat life were less complicated with such inter-personal human relationship comedies n tragedies (not 2 mention e drama serials n documentaries)..i mean..i've learnt more bout human problems in Newcastle den in e army..n dat is a lot lor...well, i'm juz gonna do mi part in everythin liao n not b so worried even if pple i noe decide 2 fight World War 3..

one trick i will appli...seein e gd side of things as they appli 2 mi..whethr its regardin gals or frens ..dats y i'm a happy-go-lucky person..i used 2 b more easili affected n am by nature broodin..but i've let lots of things go in life..n as a Christian..i alwaez see it dat wateva insults n injuries for mi fall on Christ' body on dat cross.."the wounds inflicted on u hav fallen on Mi" ...n there is healin..

Mounties

Jamie up high-n-lofty

The Horse n his boy

Horse was placid; but fought mi on mounting

Weird Tots

when u're tired, things start 2 pop up in e head like some strange mental Brownian Motion..unexplained, unaccounted for n definiteli unwelcome..

i figure its probabli at e confluence of e realms of dream, suppressed desire n exhausted delirium dat causes such tots n feelins 2 arise..but strangeli as a side note..i find i write extremeli well in such chaotic circumstances..on e wellspring of creativity i find miself..n i can feel e urge 2 write/draw on my tinglin finger-tips

i find miself askin wat e term,sophormoric romance means..i saw dat phrase 1st on Shian aka Rex's blog..n wonder wat it all means..does it mean puppy love..or dat strange time when everythin is magical n u r given to attractions to membrs of e opposite sex?or simpli common infactuation dat constructs an image of someone dats false but loveli to our sight?

i'm not doin dis cos of any rubbish relaionshp probs of mi own..cos i've come 2 a point where i honestli say i dun like any1..not even myself..onli Christ n He's different..hahaha..i'm delirious afta not sleepin for a whole nite..dats y..so indulge mi..

i fell prey 2 dat tendency often times in mi life 2 noe dat franli, its a hidden desire 2 run away from e problems of life thru such poppy-cock(dats a new term)..so i advice walkin away when such desires threaten...n learnin 2 watch e danger signs is very relevant 2 such troubles..just bcos we think we like some1 does not mean we do..some of my frens i noe need 2 realise dat n realli wake up 2 e harsh light of day..

of course, if i could do it all over again in my past failed relationships, i would not change a thing..n sometimes, just sometimes, when i hear a certain piece of music, e magic comes back..n i feel alive once again..n i realise how far i've fallen from e magic of those days..schrage musik is wat e Germans call such deja vu acoustics..they remind mi of my ex..but honestli, i would not do wat i did for her to anothr gal now..or any1..n i would not want 2 b hurt by someone else e way i let miself get hurt back then..for her yes all over again if i went back in time..for someone else today, i dun think so (as far as i can tell)...on e same level of paradox as e statement, everything i say is a lie..including dis statement"

when i was a teen, i was like a lamb...but there was magik..when dat lamb was butchered as blood sacrifice for e adult 2 rise, dat magik died with him..now all dat remains is a sleek black form..smooth as shadow n dark as nite..i miss dat lamb sometimes...

Wing-roll

i alwaez tot dat e end of sem was a wonderful opportunity for a victory roll..end of sch, end of troubles..end of all sorts of pressures n time to miself..n dat trip to Tioman with Kian n e guys..

did we not enjoy e "Lord dismiss us with thy blessin, thanks for mercies past received" n hated e same hymn with e lyrics for beginnin of term in secondary sch?

i'm not doin a victory roll now..n i'm not singin any endin of term hymn..if any song, its "Amazin Grace" when i get thru...

e sum of my experiences dis sem can be stated with some ease..with work, double hard n a design inclination towards e tutor's style..i'll give him back wat he likes..but with some curves..afterall, am i not part of e Newcastle University Anti-Box-n-Square-Edges Design Group?

where relationships r concerned..i'm playin Qing Fei De Yi n K Ge Zhi Wang a lot..i need some solitary time n time with frens who giv a rat's ass bout mi...n e strategy of keepin my distance from e female species seems 2 b workin juz fine..i've ended e semester happier n with less worry than b4..

wats left? Faith? i wish i could say honestli dat i dun need more of dat but uh-uh...i can't in all honest openess say dat..faith is a little thing dat goes a long way they say..well den, who's e guy who does not need or want more of dat little thing for life's long, n arduos, n oftentimes, bitchy journey?

i giv e final word to the DeLirium..newest addition 2 my charactr..dis gets chaotic from here...computers let go of mi n i fell into e air of the sea..now there i am without a head..brain left under my arm n i'm sayin hi..left of rite is e wrong way as i board e plane to sail for there..where is there? here? coming away n i-want-2-tell-my-housemate-2wake-up...no more cat love-makin..no more fren-sad bizness..i can't go near pple..i'm afraid of gettin hurted..huntin now..no more hurtin..

Innocence lost?

at 12:53 am in e mornin 1 day b4 sch ends u'd think i'm havin a ball..but further from e truth u could not hope 2 b..assignment rushin is no joy or fun i tell u..e insane side of mi u saw juz now i suppressd a while back with great difficulty..

i alwaez tot life overseas was cool until i came 2 e rat-hole called Newcastle..a rat-hole dats wat it is...n i'm a rat dat got himself down e wrong hole n can't find my way out..man, for all u noe its e labyrinth of Kronoss for mi..

its very dumb la,comin 2 a rural place for a tertiary education..i dun usualli say dis cos e opportunity 2 study abroad is a divine gift oredi..but at 1 am now, how bad it is gets 2 mi real hard..

oh, wat i'd give for a listen 2 class 95, Perfect 10 or even jiu san san..i miss home man..feelin so screwy with work 2 complete still after dis n prcious lil' time 2 sleep..n frankli, i dunno how well i'll do cos tutors alwaez giv mi marks less den dat for local students..

man, i gotta stop indulgin in dis rotten self-pity dat eats mi from within..guess university is anothr case of innocence lost for mi..i oredi hav precious little of dat remainder of childhood as it is..

Evil birds of prey

e insanity-dat-perceives is back n here it is..be warned..dis gets chaotic from here on..

bird flies past e nest n prey birds arise from cukoo's palace..y i hav 2 do bad in life i noe..or mayb i dunno u? a grey wall comes up when i walk on my giant bridge dat spans cities n universes..how 2 see byond..

black mark on head or is it in head of urs..or mine? aeroplane flies thru sea of fish (guppies!)..bad marks drop from wheels of plane n swim b4 explodin like 10 million Tokyos...no, it should b Hiroshima..Nagasaki? no sense..

noe cents? 18 cents change for 36 fishes(guppies!) ..17 dollars for a million? n mr bad bad card cometh..sorry..wat goes wrong here? y can't it b wright? eat e rats carcass..kitty...onli rats left when u fail...hav i failed? schwork? 1 mark short? or mayb it goes swimmingli tomorrow..n i pass..livin in a land under e sun where white is e colour of e rainbow..yeloow is bad...God made yeelow too..but white man think white god is God n yeelow has no cover frm white god in land of white where e rainbow falls..

different n wats-e-othr-word-for-bad...not good enuff..unhappy..unsatisfied..undelighted..unhinged..ANGeR dragon stirs in sleep cavern..i need mi God...

Let mi Gush

truth b told, i've alwaez been an arts sorta guy..esp stuff like writin or drawin abstract rubbish..

i've just discovered dis great work of architecture dats called the Hurva Synagogue in Israel, designed by Louis I Kahn, a Jew of the diaspora..too bad it was never actualli built..it would hav been a counterpoint on the landscape to the Dome of the Rock, which was less than 5 km away..afterall..e original building was demolished by the Jordanian army when it occupied the Jewish Quarter of Jerusalem in 1947..

Its one of 3 buildings i've seen so far dat realli says somethin 2 mi..e other 2 are the Church of Notre-Dame Du Haut in Ronchamp, France by Le Corbusier n e Soviet Pavilion at the 1937 Paris Exhibition by Boris Iofan..

they realli show dat God allows human hands to glorify Him with earthly pastels of concrete, steel and brick..especialli since 2 of these 3 structures were constructed (or were planned) on e site of ruins of e same name..n e 3rd is a reminder dat nations brought low can rise again like e mythical phoenix..I want 2 see God rebuildin e walls that were torn down by men (in Nehemiah) n uncloggin e wells that were the legacy of our forefathers (as with Issac)..i remembr dat line from Lord of the Rings, "Reforged shall be the sword that was broken, the crownless again shall be king"...some of u noe who n wat event i'm hintin at rite?

Muses and Flutes

music alwaez accompanied mi thru e dark periods of my life..throughout my adolescent years, angry music like Green Day, Bon Jovi, Guns and Roses and Linkin Park was an outlet for no small number of angst-ridden issues..

in e army, retro songs like Square Rooms took mi far along my flights of fantasy n dark insanity..oh i forgot 2 mention, soppy love ballads brought mi thru my junior college years..

n as i get older, i return once again 2 my Han Chinese roots with Chinese music of complex harmonies n on-key croonin..the songs of e past dun just leave or fade away..they r filled with memory..sometimes sad, sometimes joyous..n some remain favourites 2 dis day, like e worship of Hillsongs n e praise of e Planetshakers as well as e unforgettable Christian cynisism of Jars of Clay..but undoubtedli, all these thousands of songs (at least as many as i can get my hands on) remain on my I-pod for listenin..

sometimes, its not dat as we get older we adopt different philosophies or tastes..its just dat we see more from different perspectives..n we all need a standpoint for our views n faith dat sythesizes n integrates wat we are at a point in time n space in dis universe..dats called a worldview..

Basics of faith n values will remain thruout each age in our lives..but worldviews change as we relate to pple n events differentli..how can i reach out 2 pple of a certain mindset if i dun understand e way they think n feel? i dun hav 2 be like them, but watever is good, n noble n pure of somebody's thinkin i can relate to easily, n use dat 2 springboard a witness in2 their lives of my faith n ideals..

i've alwaz admired Matteo Ricci who brought e gospel to China (albeit in a Catholic form)..he wore e robes of a Buddhist monk n carried e bible in e external form of an ancient sutra so e Chinese could understand dat dis truth was old yet strangeli familiar to e hearts of men from their most primal instincts..

wats good n true has e tendency 2 point 2 the Almighty..but it must b brought out..how can dat b if my choice of language is outdated n useless for today?

Dili Force

when i started dis blog, i said dat certain parts would b devoted 2 religion n current affairs..e faith part has been addressed sufficientli regular but i've neglected e current affairs portion a bit since comin 2 Australia..

e recent armed intervention of Australian troops in Timor-Leste jolted mi out of my quiet reverie (i checked guys n its not revellie as e semi-educated n semi-idiot SAF CSMs call it; but reverie)..

of course, any country bein called 2 intervene in another's troubles will tend towards a high-n-mighty attitude..we dun hav such problems so we can send troops 2 help u poor losers..n of course pictures of M113s n Australian soldiers carryin Belgian Fabrique Nationale General Purpose Machine Guns n Austrian Steyr-Aug Commando Carbines is great political capital for e John Howard government..we r e great peace-makers n we r e great defenders of civilisation..

havin served in e armed forces before, i say dis not 2 e discredit of the soldiers on e ground doin e hard, hazardous n thankless work, but 2 e shame of their political task-masters who milk them for every ounce of political advantage possible..i applaud those who serve in e brotherhood of soldierin anywhere..but boo the armchair generals n Cabinet of skeletons in power..

i wonder when Singapore will send her troops in..mayb e PECG (Peace-Keepin Engineer Construction Group) for re-construction purposes..or medical teams..milkin soldiers for political capital i despise..but issuin political statements thru e labour n sweat of soldiery is somethin noble..the Timorese n Australians must b told.."where is Singapore? n where is Timor-Leste? Yet y are they here n helpin pple n how do they do it?"

What a sight! RSS Intrepid n Enterprise sailin in2 e harbour of Timor-Leste 1 warm evenin..e Singaporeans hav arrived....

Anti-Rationalism, Revolution n Rebellion

i like the Sandman n associated series of stories by Neil Gaiman bout the realms of the heart, subconsious, soul n spirit..n my favourite character is not Morpheus, Lord of Dreams or even beautiful n mysterious Death, embodiment of ending n conclusions...no, my favourite character is Delirium..with her associated lack of sanity n chaotic mixin of words in complex phrases..like "wats the word for the start of somethin that is not the same as wat was there before and which u dunno wat it is?" Change..

i think dat in life we should not b so rational n logical..its not the Time of the Modern Movement anymore..the age of the machine gods of modernism is past..the age of the post-modern world of religion, spirituality n pluralism is upon humanity..

i may b Christian, but i dun believe Christianity is a by-word for the intellectual worship of the Rational Deity..nor is it the the deification of the primal forces of Revolution and Rebellion..Christianity is so much more..n in the post-modern climate of things, i can say that a Christian follows Christ thru e Bible n worships Him..but the modes of worship need not b purely rational...its time dat Christians return 2 truth n spirituality (in e Bible but) apart from intellectualism n rational logic..

see e wind in e willows? it blows leaves everywhere..i like the leaves dat blow the wind..a great house is being built by the wind...n its name is called The Bible according to Faith n with less wats-that-thing-dat-feels-like-sponge-in-my-head?oh Brains.......

The Christian message has been harmed so greatly by liberal, rational theology that doubts God's power..now with e Post-modern Movement, those who believe hav found a force as powerful 2 strike back..unleash e winds of change..

X marks e Spot

sometimes we all need to reach out into our surroundins n explore..we need to form a new synthesis of our internal being (thoughts and feelins) n our external surroundings..dis is e essence of Metabolism in architecture..n a good philosophy for life..

i reached out into mi surroundins yesterday nite...went with some archi classmates (locals n international students) 2 catch my first movie in Australia..X-Men 3:Last Stand..its like a theatre at Golden Village back home..same large viewin theatres(8 in all) with e same pop-corn n coke combos..except they also offer nuggets n french fries meals for eatin in e cinema..n e same video games arcade next 2 e theatre where e latest versions of House of the Dead n Daytona can b found..

of course, its a single storey sprawlin complex instead of a multi-storey vertically sprawlin complex..e movie was ok wth unexpected outcomes n more main charcters bein killed off than would hav been imagined..suits e title Last Stand realli...n a few insignificant, sideline creatures comin in who were realli of no consequence to e movie..

n of course, e ang mohs behind were up 2 their loud laughin n commentary tricks as usual which was quite iritatin at times..but its been said that e company one watches a movie with makes all e difference between a great n a mediocre movie..n with e crowd i was with, it was agreat experience..i got 2 noe dat first year afgan classmate of mine betta..n found out he was actualli an Iranian Parsi..n my fren Dimitri, Russian national who's goin back to Russia in June n who speaks excellent Russian (Shaun will love him) n Japanese..

well, i'll definiteli want 2 go out with these guys again..plus e other Local Aussie frens like Leon n Gary who organised e trip to e movies in e 1st place..i think i understand e meanin of e term Fellow Travellers now..which reminds mi..i gotta check e library for a copy of John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress after dis..God bless guys..

Big Lizards n Assignments

e wonderful thing about workin in e architecture studio is meetin all these frens n great pple who are nice n frenli..not all..but not a few either..

i had dis interestin conversation with some indian frens who were talkin bout e problems with their fiancees (by arrangement) in India n e arrogance of some of the members of the Indian community in Newcastle Australia..like shoutin rascist remarks at white Australians durin cricket matches when they loose..while confusin the Moghuls of India with Mongolians n completely re-writin history..

oh n did i mention wat they told mi bout watchin Jurassic Park n Mission Impossible in Hindi? "hey, look, the Big Lizards are walkin" n Tom Cruise speakin in Hindi but no sound is heard when one can lip-read him sayin ,"F**k" on screen..lost in translation? my international frens man..gotta love em..

oh n, my fren also says dat she was told by a fortune-teller dat her soul-mate is apparently, a black n white caterpillar with traces of orange..so she's not gettin married in dis life time cos she's waitin for him 2 b born human...hmmmmmmm..ok, i hope its worth e wait sista..

ah well, where work is concerned, submission of dat 1st design project hav gone alrite i guess..but i dun intend 2 follow e Modern Movement so much anymore..v borin with all dat rational square n rectangle bullsh*t..i'm increasinly interested in e work of Otto Wagner n e neo-clasical movement..as well as e Metabolists like Tandao Ando n Toyo Ito..oh no, i better not continue my monologue when every1's lost..

God, i've been up tryin to figure wat 2 say durin dat critique presentation tm which i dun believe is Asian-frenli..i walked e ground (metaphorically n literalli) just now at 3am but am still unsure of wat to expect..well, i'll just hav to pray dat it all goes fine n accordin to e plan of e Almighty..n now, to sleep..see u later..

lessons n people

i learned 2 things today(actualli there were at least 15 but these r e most significant)..Afghan sounds a whole lot like Hebrew..n the word 'line-weightin' refers to the thickness of the line drawn with pencil or ink..n has nothin to do with how heavy ur pencil, pen ink is...or how heavy ur hand presses down on the paper with any of those media...or how bluidy hard or dark ur pencil/ink is..a revolution-izin revelation i call it...

n how in e name of our Lord n Saviour, this 19th day of May in e 2006th year of the same Lord's comin did i learn of this? well, i was havin dis break from mi draftin (out of frustration more than laziness) at e studio..n when breaks come, i head upstairs to dat nifty lil' pantry to hav some toasted muffins (muffins not bread mind) when i saw dat e cute white Black n Decker toaster was occupied with 2 pieces of toast dat had oredi popped up on e machine..so i turned roun 2 see whose it was..n saw dis most amazingly beautifu lady sittin at e table havin Greek Humus..

so i says,''dis urs?" "yes, thank you very much.i'd clean forgotten bout it" says e lady..n dat was how i got 2 noe my 2nd year senior, Unai Najabullah of Afghanistan..u noe wat exotic Turkish or Lebanese models look like? dats e idea...a guy would kiss e ground she walked on n praise Al..God for creatin Eve in e flesh again..i'm not affected..she was talkin 2 a classmate of mine who's also afghan (i never knew)..n i realised that Afghan sounds extremely like Hebrew..deep, nasal, liltin n like water trickling off rock..

anyway, her story was more interestin den her (oredi extremely flatterin) figure.. she'd wanted 2 be an architect from e earlist years of her character formation..n had come thru lots to get to Australia (three quarters-way roun e world)..passion for great architecture n design drives her along..1 of those ladies we guys would want to be seen talkin 2 in a bar..cos she can hold an intellectual conversation on esoteric subjects like art history yet looks like the winged Nike of Samothrace (dats Greek to mi too)..

wat i'm tryin to say is simpli dis..another dae..another interestin person 2 meet..another lesson learned..n another reminder dat the Power Dat Is does do miracles n create magic even thru human beings..flawed as it is..i'm encouraged to develop in wat i'm doin..studywise dat is.....

A Time of Tyrants

goin for my 1st architecture mock-up Critique session (Crit in short) was a cruel experience..when we present designs, we do so b4 a panel of tutors n seniors n dat is e time when the great architecture design students who r too big for their boots are cut down to size..

i had a rude shock when the evidentli encouragin n amiable tutor was transformed into a fearsome fire-breathin demon who devours unprepared students..well, he says, "u've not answered the client's specifications in the design brief..n ur design is too large...oh...u need to explain ur open courtyard (graphically; huh??)..n rethink ur spaces cos they're not goin to fit in a rescaled version of ur design..too many entrances n poor distinguishin of lines with different pencils..not enough drawings for dis n dat..poorly tot-out design..no evidence of good development..u're doin ur own thing n not doin wat the client wants..he'll fire u in e real world"

dat was an encouragin 8 mins of criticism dat completeli tore down wateva notions of greatness i had nursed with my fragile male ego..i suddenly felt like e scum of the Earth just wantin 2 bury my head underground like e proverbial ostrich..

its not dat i've not undergone worse at e hands of e s'pore armed forces..but i just felt once more e whole arbitrariness of it n e lack of constructiveness in dis supposedli "constructive criticism"...but well, i guess i noe wat to expect next week for e real thing..

in e book The Butlerian Jihad by Brian Herbert n Kevin J Anderson, the main characters Vorian Atreides n Serina Butler dream of freedom from e reign of tyrant leaders n empowerin of free humanity..well i dream also of great things in architecture n puttin 'magic' into e lives of pple thru e buildins i create..if i could just create a room where pple display (only) flowers inside yet make e day of e smallest child walkin in when he sees e light shining off e flowers in a vacant space that brings out e most of their frail beauty, i would die content for havin created great architecture.. i dream dis even as i live in dis time of Tyrant Tutors..

Confessions

Confession is good for the soul they say..if so i must confess certain issues in newcastle to u my frens..

some of u guys noe dat i did a little smokin in e army..cos it looked cool (at 18 anything looks cool; God!), cos i was under great stress (try detonating 20 kilos of live explosives 27 times) n cos i was at a very dark n rebellious stage of my life..

i stopped after e army but over here in newcastle i did start again..up to 5 sticks a week..durin my assignment period..i understand e evil of it all n how it destroys e body..which is "temple of the divine"..i made e resolution to stop 2 weeks ago..n hav been strugglin 2 keep it..

its not been total failure n mostli i do keep away from dat which destroys e body...but cravins do come in..mayb its withdrawal..i noe dat its extremeli stupid 2 start lightin up when dark storms gather in ma head..n God, its difficult..but i am prayin bout it continualli n seekin to die to dis nasty habit every day..

i understand Paul talkin bout daily death to self n its carnal desires..sin n temptation come into e picture of life so often n only the mercy of God can grant us e strength to turn away from dat which destroys..everyday i pray for strength n ask for e grace to say no without self-pity..

i'm not perfect; i'm just a human bein like any1 else; with dark tots n feelins..i need God's grace n mercy today..even as i struggle..so..my perfect n beautiful frens..am i, dressed in my ugly n tattered attempts to live a conscienable life before the Almighty n miself..deservin of ur graces?

where strength fails,will i fall into e hands beneathe for rest??

horse ridin

been doin some horse ridin these past 2 weekends.. down halfway between sydney and newcastle at dis place called glenworth...also some archery which i was never serious about in secondary sch n jc..now i guess its come full circle n i'm doin wat i was not realli interested in back then..

its been great to get my mind off schoolwork n complications in life which i try to walk away from..well, i seem to b lovin wat i'm doin..whether architecture n design or horse-ridin..so realli..i dun want complications in life anymore..

horse riding is 1 of those things dat a guy has 2 acquire experience to b good at..my 2 lessons so far hav only brought mi 2 e stage where i can trot n even then not comfortabli..unlike e movies, 1 has to stand n sit in the saddle as the horse trots on..in tune with e see-saw movement of the horse's rear end..otherwise..u get a real pain in der ass, of the muscular ache nature..

e regular horse i ride is Jam n sometimes he realli gets mi into fixes..like almost crushin my leg against the fence n alwys fightin e reins n my leadin..but he's quiet n frenly at least..when i first saw horses runnin out the stockade n uphill towards the paddocks where they rest for the nite (after my lesson) i realised wat freedom from servitude is..n why many artists love to paint free-runnin horses..its a liberatin scene..

well, soon i'll b a-comin home to s'pore n den i'll realli feel like a free-runnin horse..liberated..i won't come home with excess baggage (of e emotional kind) n travellin light can b so good feelin man i tell u..but now..i'll hav to concentrate on those architecture design projects..n construction technology, n ecology..n communications..so den..see ya guys soon

Why I love Bible Study Groups

I enjoy my Bible Study groups for e wide ranging scriptural lessons and the christian fellowship..but also because they help mi take things in perspective n take life with a pinch of salt..

u noe,i've 2 bible study groups..1 from church n 1 from the campus christian group FOCUS..different pple with different experiences form them n they teach mi so much of life n God..

my church 1 is more topical n deals with issues like temptation n faith..while e FOCUS 1 is more text-based..like we're doing Titus now..so its e best of both worlds for mi, so to speak...

n e frens i've made realli realli touch mi n never fail to teach mi stuff in my course of life..like Jenu who's been tellin us bout his struggle to gain Australian PR-ship inspite of havin a good degree..his sheer grit n determination inspires mi 2 see e value of hard work..incidentally both a traditional Asian n a Christian ethic..

guys like Junior whom i've mentioned b4, hav taught mi bout living..even thru his painful experience of havin a relative pass away while he's overseas..n Jeanette's birthday 2nite just moves mi to believe n understand dat mayb e Almighty does hav somethin good for each of us after all.. how so? seein a 75 year old lady celebrate 75 years of life with her loving husband in a 'state of grace' as Frank MacCourt states in 'Tis is a reminder dat there realli is somethin good to fight for in dis life dat truli means something..more den money n status n power..

n on e heels of dis comes Jena's b'dae tml..a 20 year old slip' o lass from Botswana..teaches mi bout hope n hunger..something some o' my (so-called) frens back home will never noe cos they never had a single God-damn mudder-f***in day o' bluid-y hardship in their f***ed up lives..arse-ho**s..but i over-step miself..


Bible study groups teach mi so much more den e Bible..their membrs help mi take mi life in perspectiv n not overate mi capabilities n under-rate dat of the divine..oh n, forget e dickheads in life..try not 2 be one urself..

Pictures

Eye of God

Dead Man's Drop

Balrog of Moria

Saying Wat u Mean?

I'm going to try an experiment here dat ties in with architecture, sociology and my interest in popular psychology..n i need e ladies to help mi out (e guys also, but deffinitely e ladies)

dis will probabli b a long-runnin thing dat stretches 50 plus years..haha..anywaez, answer this question..do women say what they mean? do men or women seem more susceptible to not-saying wat they mean? and, if there is a gender difference in dis, is it more or less pronounced in Christians (ok, i'll extend dis to pple of a moderate religious nature who believe in the divine and believe dat telling the truth is a good spiritual principle to live by)

man, it has been my personal intuitive suspicion for some time dat women do not say wat they mean many times...or rather, say wat they do not mean..of course i must qualify myself by sayin dis is prevalent(n predictable)only under certain circumstances..and dat men also do not say wat we mean..under a different set of circumstances..

dis is especially so where inter-personal relationships and frenships are concerned..not just romance but where a personal dimension is involved that means something to this hypothethical female person.. i noe i'm talkin rot (rather, writing it) but is there an element of truth in dis (no matter how small)?

but then, how do pple (males n females included) tell whether females are telling e truth? more importantli, how might we discern wat e lady realli thinks? dat, frenz..is e billion dollar question Mel Gibson found out in What Women Really Want..e only thing i can say is dat observation and intuition are skills gained n honed by experience..the greatest ally a guy has in dealin with e female species (besides God, who prefers to keep His own confidence in these matters) is observation n reflection..dat is equal to any female intuition..onli slower cos we r more logical..

y am i sayin all dis? its just a tot i want to get off my chest..with no relation to any characters, fictional or otherwise..but do mi e favour of chewin on dis guys, n remember e possibility of ur lady not talkin straight to ya in life..n learn to see wat is realli meant when she asks, "Am i Fat?" Cheers..

Thats It

The View From One End of The Earth (Above)

An End Of the Earth-I sat at One

Ends of da Earth

As a young student in SAS (also known 2 mi as the SA Commonality after the system of dividing areas for e Capellan Confederation--in dis fictional set of sci-fi books known as the Battletech/Mechwarrior series, but dats way out of topic), i was told durin chapel lessons by a parish worker how he was called into full-time ministry..

evidently, he had sat on dis huge rock juttin over the sea (in Australia also) n had felt the still, small voice of God speak to his heart..

fast forward to 2006..just returned from a trip to Port Macquarie on Wednesdae nite..n 1 of e high points of e trip was goin to Tacking Point Lighthouse in Port Macq n clamberin onto e edge of a granite n limestone cliff overlookin e sea below..without any safety rails aroun of course..n seein wat i call One End Of The Earth...juttin right out n overlookin sea below..boundless blue above n in front till the azure ribbon of sky met the turquoise band of the sea at the horizon..

1 song played in my mind as i stood there in the freezin chill wind overlookin e expanse of nothingness..I believe in you, and i would go; to the Ends of The Earth, to the Ends of the Earth, for you...Ends of The Earth..a christian piece by e Planetshakers if i'm not mistaken..

One has gone to the ends of the earth for mi n i, in my time, will be led to make my own journey to my end of the earth for dat One..of course, i told no 1 wat i felt or experienced..they won't understand i noe..n also, they would not b much concerned wat i felt bout a rock ..

wat strikes mi most is not so much e smallness of man compared to e world aroun him but dat in life we are all challenged inspite of difficuties we face n even happiness we enjoy to rise higher n become all dat we are made to be..in character, nature and achievement..be it for the Powers Dat Be or ourselves..there is something more important than us as individuals..family, society, nation, God..lets hope we're all not so myopic we can't recognize this..

sometimes i wonder, how far would u n i go for things dat mean something to us?if you're willing to go to the ends of the Earth, u just might find a brilliant horizon waitin beyond..cheers..

For Frens

i'm still stuck on e topic of frenship i guess..i was at a frens b'dae on fri..n we've not known each other long..but goin e extra mile for those aroun u is wat i learned in e army n these years of life..

there was a fren i knew vaguely in St Andrews(Terence, was someone i never got 2 noe well..he was in a neighbourin class, a bit ah beng (while i'm more ang moh pai-until ns at least) n we had different circles of frens..he was in NCC (i think) while i was in e scouts..

afta e o-levels, he went to poly n i, to JC..so i never knew him well..never bcos 1 day when i was in JC 2 i received a message from a close ex-SA fren who knew some in his group of frens..he had racked up a large amount of gamblin debts(on soccer, no doubt) n in a last, desperate bid to escape Ah Long frens..he jumped from his house..din quite soar like superman..quotin Jack Neo from Money No Enough, "Lang zhi lei suai, qi jiao bian gong gui"..

mayb i could hav gotten to noe him betta..or mayb i could not hav done anything..but i came away learnin never to take those aroun mi for granted..sometimes my parents say i spend a lotta time with frens (n wonder if they r zhu peng gou you) but its becos i dun wanna take my frens for granted..(n for e record, family comes first b4 frens still...haha)..

i noe some gals i knew were uncomfortable with how i seek to get to noe them betta..but its alwaezs been with pure intentions n well, i guess after many years..i've learned to b as non-obnoxious n non-chalant as possibl..but e bottom line is..i care for frens as deeply as a certain Great Fren n Brother cared for His disciples..sincere n pure...but unashamedly forward..

Why so Pissed?

I tot bout it n guess i owe every1 a bit o' explaination n background bout dat outburst in e last post..(doesn't make mi look 2 good huh? i must appear so small-minded n punitive)..

i alwaez treat my frens well..no matter close or distant, near or far..i've frenz in Cambridge whom i miss so much dats 1 reason i wanna go home in June to catch them durin their summer vacation (for them) cos in dec they won't b aroun(different seasons n timetables)..n 1 of them i only knew for 3 months in BMT..

but there's a certain courtesy n respect i expect from frens..if not why consider urselves frens?i dun pick n choose my frens like some weird permutation n combination module in a-level 'c' maths (which i never understood or caught on too)..

so y frens must draw line until like dat?not hittin any1 except dat 5 year long fren n Singapore..y i can call n message u but u cannot call mi unless u want something? y when i leave e country means automaticalli become hi n bye frens?? y different gender frens must be ignored when in a mixed group? y fren cannot keep in contact when i leave country? n y is it dat u take for granted all ur frens in e long run; even e gals?? just bcos u dun see ur frens everyday so means out of sight, out of mind?

well, i think its strange myself..mayb i'm by nature more sensitive n guys r poor with their emotions but i really really think dat fren has a real attitude problem..she's gotta grow up where frens n relatin to pple r concerned..i think she's gotta stop seein pple as objects 2 b manipulated n only for her own benefit..frenship is bout givin as much as takin..a little like marriage they say, dats y e most successful couples started as good frens..dats not wat i'm sayin here though..just dat u gotta b more sincere n true to ur frens..not just use-them-n-discard-them..n she appears to mi to b like dat (slowly e pieces fell into place as i knew dis person more n more for 5 years)

n why now only does dis come out? mayb as i said, guys suck at portrayin their emotions (esp to close frens n those who hav meant things to them)..or mayb its just dat..its symptomatic of some pple i knew who turned out like dat n 2daez e dae to bury them all..

lets hope tml is a new start for frenships n pple who hav not let mi down..here's 2 Frens..dead n livin...Cheers!!

Moody Daez

One of those brown, dull daez..esp since i can't seem 2 get dis blog 2 type in colour n different fonts..wat e heck is dis?

sometimes dis blog is used to covertly (not alwaez) slap some pple (frens included)across e face..

on 1 of my (not-so-kind daez 2day) i realli wanna give it 2 a 'fren' of mine whom i've known for 5 plus years..

i realise i've misunderstood n offended her..its my fault for callin n messagin u 2 ask if we could meet up b4 i came over to Newcastle..i made e mistake of thinkin our frenship was like dat i had with my closest frens who cared bout mi goin abroad n wanted e best for mi..

i was wrong..pls forgive mi for elevatin e status of our frenship..i realise i was bein too much in wishin u would find out when i was leavin n fulfill e pleasantries of bein a good fren..

so now, i guess dat our frenship is on a different plane..so much so dat enemies treat mi with more respect n i respected them mutualli for it..but den again..i was wrong to believe dat with evry person..frenship is based on trust n respect..not for us (u at least,not mi)..

well, dats it then..e worth of a frenship..shown so clear to mi..i'm sorry, but its my fault for thinkin we were true frens..goodbye, fren..

Easter Sunday

So then, Easter Sunday..in Sydney, gonin for e hillsongs concert later in e evening..i did go to e actual Good Fri service in the Hillsongs city church campus (yes dats wat they call it)..

how was it? well..they're not as plastic n insincere as certain large churches in singapore which a certain fren goes to just because its big n gives the appearance of success (e curse of e young christian)..warmer, more welcomin, much more frenli n infinitely more sincere..

but i was a bit shocked dat service only had 4 songs; 2 praise n 2 worship...did somethin happen to e legendary Hillsongs reputation for praise n worship..1 truly wonders..

well i guess when any institution (or even church) has to cater to a larger crowd, they become more commercialised n mass-appeal based..dats y i prefer my churches slighly smaller, for a warmer n more cosy fit..n more God appeal as i call it..

well, to b fair, of all e many huge churches i've been too (in singapore at least)..Hillsongs is e most amiable n non-threatening..it has e biggest heart n most spiritual soul of all e mega-churches..n believe mi..bein a christian for many many years does grant mi some discernment n dare-i-say experience in these matters..

its Easter Sunday, n i believe Christ rose dis day for reasons onli e most superficial of which we can begin to comprehend..wat does it feel bein a christian for 19 years n 17 bein Spirit-Filled (1 of e best n happiest experience i ever had)? there've been dis-illusionments with human beings so much..but my faith has been stripped down so many times to its kennel n e foundations reinforced..

i learnt all e great lessons, faith, hope, love, compassion, kindness, brotherly goodness, endurance e hard way from e Master's hand..i never had an easy day..n its shaped mi 2 kinda b e 'gangsta' christian i sometimes am..straight-talkin just like ex-Israeli(n deceased) president Ezer Weizman n dark as Christ in e Garden of Gethsamane..

so then, i've reconciled myself to e fact dat none will truly understand mi like Christ does though i alwaez seek to b understandin..n human love is too often a chimera (ok, Richard n other army mates, it means an illusion) but i seek 'to love, and to love with all my heart' like e medic in Band of Brothers when asked wat kept him treatin e wounded n dyin when it seemed so hopeless n meaningless..

dis Easter, i remember Christ's awesome sacrifice n e power of His resurrection, i distrust e crowd dat one Sun cheered Him n crucified Him e next Fri, n i seek to live in a manner dat He will smile upon n say, "dats My bi*ch" on e way we meet beyond..in spite of all human failings n disappointments..

To Christians, Gd Easter..to all non-christians..sorry for bein so 'religious' n 'christian' on dis one day..onli dis time..once a year i put dis on my blog..apologia..

Paint

am readin dis book on the Impressionists n their art..its part of some research i'm doin on interior of houses for an assignment..

y e Impressionists? i just felt like drawin inspiration from them i guess..livin in a world of constant flux n change..where things r not certain..of course i'm attracted to their works n style..

paintin on e canvas of life is interestin for mi..it realli allows one to view life as a canvas on which we apply pastel shades of our experiences n lessons learnt..n e Impressionists realli teach mi (in a philosophical way) how to layer on paint to convey a sharp impression to others which one wants to communicate..i too want to make deep, lastin n unique impressions on e lives of others n thru wateva i say n do..


Living in an age of rapid change n not-infrequent upheaval where e only meaningful thing one can do is record one's impressions n pass them on to thers who dun live in such a world is something dat i identify with greatly..mayb cos its a hangover from my teenage years..or mayb cos there's still something of dat teenager in mi..half filled with wonder n half filled with questioning emotion..dats why i like e Impressionists but then..we all need themes in life to identify with rite?

mayb 1 day when i've arrived in dis life (which i hope i never feel n think) n can look back on it all n wonder wat it all means n why i've come dis way..den mayb i'll stop admirin e Impressionists n admire e art of say, e postmodernists or modernists..without questions n angst but filled with superior sentiments n disillusionment..but i dun wanna do dat if i possibly can..

by e way, its Ash Wednesday..halfway thru e Holy week n a time indeed, for ashes..but more on dat later..for now, just let mi paint on my canvas..hows e paint on urs?